You know as well as I do that Army Crate Thursday was the number one reason to join the Ferguson police force. Every seven days, we'd receive an oversized wooden box from the military, full of specialized weapons engineered to help us protect our citizens from domestic terror. This program worked wonders, and allowed us to take advantage of the latest in crime-fighting technologies. Remember when Jenkins shot that phaser-looking thing at the dog that was barking too much? Turned that little fella into a cloud of green mist that still persists to this day.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
It's time we stop tolerating lawlessness in our cities and coddling these criminals. Twenty seconds to comply is too long for ED-209 to get the job done.
My brain is a football... of the mind. Oblong, powerful, supple. With it I am able to foresee everything that is destined to occur in the upcoming NFL season with 100% certainty. Benefit from my knowledge or die.
Musician and actor Ice T's reading of a D&D book has finally arrived and it is as good as you thought it would be.
Expendable? You must be joking.
Steve and Zack look back on the best and worst of the first 10 years of Heavy Metal Magazine covers.