My PC Is So Old

I built my computer seven years ago. It probably won't make it to eight. When I play games as resource-intensive as Yoda's Desktop Adventures it sounds like an industrial vacuum cleaner having an asthma attack.

Over the last two years my in-game recommended settings went from "Medium" to "Low" to "Text-Based (with low quality text)".

My video card was good five years ago and now only produces unwanted artifacts, which makes it indistinguishable from Valve.

My SSD is so old it remembers when America was in the 21st century.

My power supply is so old the kite is too tattered to fly.

My CPU is so old the label reads Yntel Proceffyre.

The inside of my computer is so dusty you can barely see the cobwebs.

My RAM is so old it doesn't have heatsinks shaped like anime razor blades or a name like RIPCRUSHZ.

My motherboard is so old the latest drivers can only be found on cached Tucows and HappyPuppy pages.

My network adapter is so old its IP address is 0.1.

My CPU fan is so old it doesn't even oscillate.

My computer case is so old it doesn't have LEDs, or a window, or room for PC components. It's literally a slab of magma that cooled before life took form on Earth.

I kid because I love. It's not all bad. Most of my PC's vacuum tubes are still intact, and the wood is only slightly brittle. My video card can handle any slideshow you throw at it, but it only displays every other frame.

My CPU runs so hot that simply turning on the computer cooks my motherboard, which is made of eggs.

My motherboard is so outdated it only has one slot, and that is for a dot matrix printer.

My video card is so underpowered that when I try to review a new game I have to turn off anti-aliasing, shadows, textures, and my computer.

My RAM is so old it was around when this update seemed like a good idea.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)