A Typical Day In The Something Awful Office

5AM:00 Make another billion dollars with computer

5:15 Passionate kiss on the lips, no big deal. Whatever. Girlfriend exists.

8AM Ten thousand full body launch push-ups using pecs only

9:AM Daily meeting with Lowtax. Once again he congratulates me on giving my latest article the least appealing title on the entire internet, a scarecrow of clicks (because it scares clicks away). This reverse psychology strategy has put us at the top of the viral heap for the nineteenth straight fiscal quarter.

12AM Board a personal hyperjet for lunch at Super Olive Garden, the Olive Garden that lays a slice of American cheese on top of every plate of pasta whether you like it or not

1AFTERNOON PM Answer the question, "Who dock?"

2:30 Holoconference with Zack. As always, he demands total silence on both our parts for the duration of the meeting.

4: Oh Clock Visit office submarine bay to stare at poorly installed support beams. They cost eighty thousand dollars each and were worth every cent.

5PM:00 Time to leave the office by walking through three miles of industrial hallways. Must stare straight ahead. Ignore the fairies calling out from intersecting halls. They are tricksters and the unwary who are lured off the main path by their honeyed voices will never be seen again.

– Dennis Farrell (@DennisFarrell)