• Failed Young Adult Books

    Failed Young Adult Books (Part 4)

    Perhaps it was just ahead of its time, given the current popularity of literary/historical mash-ups like ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,’ but in 1958 readers did not know what to make of ‘The Diary of Anne Frankenstein,’ a high-concept, macabre and slightly whimsical faux sequel in which Anne's father revives her with the help of a mad scientist.

  • Monstergeddon 2011 Results!

    Monstergeddon 2011 Results! (Part 4)

    Players’ Choice Best Kill Award: Your votes have been tallied and you overwhelmingly selected Howard the Wolf Man for his killing of Masked Slasher. But Howard cannot be awarded for killing another player. This is the most basic Monstergeddon rule! Thus the award goes to our runner-up, the FunTown Phantom, for turning a security guard inside out.

  • Golan Wants Females!

    Golan Wants Females! (Part 5)

    Yes, my mighty phallus has talons. But they are retractable, and I will not loose them. I know you have no interest in being gorily tattered during your passions (though I promise you the ecstasy is quite terrible). No, I will not rip your head off during sex. I don’t need to indulge this fetish to reach climax. Nothing can stop my fearsome climax!

  • Attention Smurfs! You're Being Smurfed!

    Attention Smurfs! You're Being Smurfed!

    We named our new baby Baby Smurf. But Baby Smurf won't be a baby forever. Or WILL HE? Is that how it works?

  • Ask Golan the Insatiable!

    Ask Golan the Insatiable! (Part 4)

    So-called "advice columns" are very popular with your idiot species, crippled as you are by a myriad of laughable woes. Small citizens, prepare to gaze into Golan the Insatiable's fiery abyss of wisdom!

  • Failed Children's Toys

    Failed Children's Toys (Part 3)

    This revamped, average-looking model became known around the company as 'Butterface Barbie.' The office joke spread, and soon Butterface was given unique accessories, like a brown paper bag that could be placed on her head. The women who worked for Mattel did not find this as amusing as the men did, and eventually the entire concept was scrapped.

  • Monstergeddon: Human Slaughtering Party!

    Monstergeddon: Human Slaughtering Party! (Part 3)

    Hey all! I’m new to the monster community (just returned from the grave), and I thought this little mixer could be a great way to get to know other creep peeps. I got the invite from some schoolmates who still think I’m human. They’re planning a scavenger hunt in this old rundown casino. Should be a nice relaxed environment to pick them off!

  • Interview with the Town Drunk

    Interview with the Town Drunk

    To celebrate the booziest of occasions, St. Patrick's Day, Something Awful's Worm Miller sat down with a man who takes the holiday very seriously. Roger Schramm holds the public office of Town Drunk in the city of Costa Vista, California.

  • Vote Golan for Comptroller!

    Vote Golan for Comptroller! (Part 3)

    I speak to you in reference to Wednesday's political debate held in Oak Grove High's gymnasium. Surely you were wondering why my fearsome presence was not felt in the room. And just as surely you will share my violent outrage when I inform you that I was denied entry, despite my proclamation that I am running for the office of Comptroller!

  • Songs in the Key of Fuck

    Songs in the Key of Fuck

    Cee-Lo Green’s “Fuck You” has joined a small club of hit songs that feature “fuck” in their choruses. But there is a far larger club of failed songs by artists imprudently seeking easy success through the use of the F word.

  • The 'Crash' Killer

    The 'Crash' Killer

    There is no way to describe the brutal urge to kill. Once it had been satisfied, or spent, I became myself again. Basically, I was a decent person. I had good friends. I led a normal life, except for this one small but very potent and destructive thing - I loved 'Crash.'

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.