While listening to the decrepit pastor detail the origin of the Xian godling, I made the perplexing discovery that Xmas is not in fact a celebration of the fabricated super-being Santa Claus. Furthermore, I had been entirely unaware of the similarities between Xian sub-god Jesus and myself. Golan the Insatiable is the clear better in this contrast!
Last night had so many highlights! The most collective kills in Monstergeddon history, you guys! Congratulations to everyone! And the message boards are already humming with discussion about the Masked Slasher’s triumphant return from the grave. But I know, I know, let’s get on with things, right? You want to know who won the awards!
Twenty years ago this very day, back on August 16, 1992, the supernatural community lost a true icon when Ashley Campbell pushed Mortimer ‘The Church Retreat Maniac’ Vorchek into a live volcano. It seemed like every year Morty would get killed (often by Ms. Campbell), and this death seemed especially absurd, but sadly it stuck. We miss you, Morty.
This is your chance to become a kickass minion in the cabal of Golan the Insatiable! In compliance with article 7b of The Golan Act, we're no longer called The Raping Fist of Golan. We're just The Fist of Golan. But as an organization we have more to offer than ever! Join now and you’ll receive this ‘I Am a Finger in the Fist of Golan’ T-shirt!
As the crudely assembled creation of a deranged scientist, I have my share of existential baggage. I was going through a dark patch, drinking a lot, tried to commit suicide by freezing myself at the Arctic Circle, was discovered and thawed by Russian oil-workers, blah blah. But after killing everyone on that oil rig, I feel re-energized and happy!
Perhaps you are mystified as to why the puny dullard Yor has a published work spreading his meaningless legend, while Golan the Insatiable, a demigod who death-gripped an entire world, has none. I too have a champion to sing my saga onto the written page! I just didn’t want to tell anyone, because it is far from a big deal for Golan the Insatiable.
I have since learned that your Santa Claus is a strange pacification prank you play on your young, and not actually a worshiped god, but as a stranger in your stank dimension, you can doubtlessly understand why I took your Claus to be some fashion of minor deity when I saw a throng of people gathered before him on his blood-red velvetted throne.