CRYBABY WIL WHEATON DOT NET, submitted by for Cutting Him From The New Star Track Movie. Everyone's favorite failed child actor is back again, this time to write an earth-shakingly important diatribe about his recent removal from the latest Star Track movie. It is truly heartbreaking that this overlooked and INTENSELY INTERESTING actor has to suffer so terribly on the pitiless floor of the editing room.
He tells me that they've cut 48 minutes from the movie.
I tell him that they've cut an entire episode out. We laugh.
There is another silence. He's waiting for me to respond.
I drive past some kids playing in an inflatable pool in their front yard. On the other side of the street, neighbors talk across a chain link fence. An older man sits on his porch reading a paper.
"Well Rick," I begin, "I completely understand. I've thought about this on and off for months, and I knew that if the movie was long, this scene, and maybe even this entire sequence, would have to go. It's just not germaine [sic] to the spine of the story."
Oh no, not Wil's big and extremely realistic scene with Ashleigh Judd!! How could you? You fucking monsters.
Wil's exciting observations and vital milquetoast insight into the nature of maturing into an adult are groundbreaking and deep. I particularly enjoy the way he inserts the vignette into his boring and sad conversation with someone who actually has a job in the entertainment industry. I think I'm going to try my best to emulate Wil's writing style from now on, since after all I'm a big Star Track fan and he's my hero. Let me try my hand at his technique, as inimitable as it is!
She hands me the receipt for my Fila track suit.
I tell her that I will really enjoy my Fila track suit.
I look over and see a child has just dropped his ice cream on the floor of the food court, right next to the T.J. Cinnabuns. An elderly woman is asleep in a chair watching an advertisement for Vanilla Coke.
"Well imaginary friend," I begin, "I completely understand. I've thought about what was needed for the role and a one-dimensional space nerd with a pretentious style and inane social observations just was not right for your picture. It's just not Kosher to the pickle of the story."
To Wil, sincerely, better luck on the next Star Track movie, the one where a wookie probably shoots some sort of blaster at a CGI muppet. Maybe you could do a voice for Jar Jar the Hutt or whatever.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
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