L. Ron Hubbard: Ron, The Music Maker, submitted by Stephan. In addition to being a dead cult leader, dead poetry writer, and dead hack science fiction author, L. Ron Hubbard is apparently also a dead music-makin' machine! "L. Ron Hubbard: Ron, The Music Maker" highlights his illustrious and tremendously exhilarating life as a musician who composed such popular songs as "The Barn Dance" and "WHY WORSHIP DEATH?," tunes which inspired an entire generation of children and adults to not buy or listen to these songs at all costs.

Since quoting anything on this page will cause Scientology lawyers to swarm all over this site like vultures spotting Louie Anderson's corpse, I will instead concoct a series of lies and make it seem as if I copied them directly from the webpage.

L. Ron Hubbard was born from a cow's ass in Sump City, Nebraska around the time of March, 1911 or possibly even March of 1562. His father, Harry "Harry Ross" Ross Hubbard was an officer in the US Navy but was kicked out when he was caught masturbating into a pair of sailor's shoes. His mother, Ledora May, was famous in the town of Sump City for giving birth to the child with the largest skull in recorded history.

Ron was given the honorary status as "blood brother" from a neighboring Blackfoot Indian tribe. They did this so Ron would stop following them around and scaring away all the animals. Records show that once L. Ron Hubbard rose to power in the Scientology cult, the remaining members of the Blackfoot Indian tribe began to disappear one by one in the darkness of night. Ex-Scientology cult members claim these Native Americans are trapped inside Scientology-brand "Thinking Tubes" hooked up to a giant machine which uses their brain's energy to power the rotating tie rack in the luxurious L. Ron Suite at the local Ramada Inn.

At the tender age of 11, Ron joined the Boy Scouts and earned the "Best Soul Stealer" award from Washington's Boy Scout and Federal Inmate Troop 10. L. Ron did a lot of incredibly exciting and thrilling things from 1922 to 1986, the most popular of which was him dying. During that time he made a lot of crappy books, songs, poems, and cult gibberish while throwing people off his SS Scientology Yacht and trapping others in its bulkheads. Scientology now has an estimated 583,100 cult members, some of which who don't walk down the street while having in-depth conversations with their wristwatch. L. Ron Hubbard may be dead, but his music legacy lives on. No wait, that's dead too. Nevermind.

If you're feeling particularly feisty, be sure to put on your Dianetics-brand headphones and mosey on over to the Real Audio music page, which features the singing performance of JOHN TRAVOLTA. Did you read that correctly? JOHN TRAVOLTA SINGS. WITH HIS MOUTH. I guess he's preparing for his upcoming career move into the exciting industry of "people who shriek and shout on the corner of downtown streets while begging for change."

PS: If you really want to find out who L. Ron Hubbard is and what his kooked out cult of Scientology believe in, head over to Xenu.net.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.