G.I. JOE EROTICA FAN FICTION ARCHIVE, submitted by Mark. I'm always continually amazed by the overwhelming volume of fan fiction that exists – especially erotic and slash fan fiction. The sheer amount of this shit tells me two things. First, we aren't institutionalizing enough people. Second, we aren't teaching people that there are dire consequences to writing degenerate stories about fictional characters you see on TV. It's time we start taking care of business, and business is making sure people who write fan fiction have all their writing utensils taken away, their computers smashed, and if necessary, their vocal chords removed. The last thing we want is for fan fiction to become an oral tradition. I can't think of a better way to support my campaign of violence than this site, which features a bloated corpse full of shitty stories by shitty people. The only reason I can think of that would motivate someone to write these kinds of stories is that they were seriously abused while the show played in the background, and they grew to associate G.I. Joe with being violated. I guess that makes sense, because I would probably try to watch G.I. Joe to take my mind off of being raped. Unfortunately, G.I. Joe is a landmark of my childhood, and so I take all of this personally.
But enough gab, let's take a look at this shithole! This is from the first story, which carries with it the single stupidest disclaimer I've ever seen: "No disrespect is intended for the late singer and actress Aaliyah. In this world she is being portrayed as still alive, and a lesbian, as well as being the host body for Serpent." Thanks for the heads up!
Lady Jaye's face grew red with shame and anger. They were right, Flint was scum, just like all the rest. It was because of what Flint had done to Cover Girl that had driven her into the arms of Scarlett and Jinx, both of whom were confirmed lesbians. They covered themselves by flirting with some of the guys like Duke and Quick Kick. Only Snake-Eyes knew the girls engaged in lesbian 3-somes, and he was mute and wouldn't betray Scarlett anyway.
It's bad enough he now has Flint getting Cover Girl pregnant, but he had the audacity to bring Snake-Eyes into this. No way! No freaking way! Some people grew up with Jesus in their life, I grew up with Snake-Eyes. This site is just full of horrible stories presumably written by horny teenagers who take their action figures and cartoons way to fucking seriously. The vast amount of lesbian sex on this site could probably fill a dozen classy European movies, which I wouldn't know anything about. God bless the Internet!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.