Awakening-Healing, submitted by Craig Franklin. Do you have too much money? Want to give it to random people for no real reason? Well then, I've got the site for you! After one visit to Awakening-Healing, you'll be able to give Keth Luke and Jan Carter anywhere from $50 to $150, and in exchange, they will... well, I'm not really sure. I've been up and down this site, and I'm still not entirely certain what services they provide or if it's legal to provide them. I believe that if you pay Keth, he'll poke you, and if you pay Jan she'll tell you (or your pet! Just $50!) that you are a god/goddess. Somehow, depending on how much you decide to pay them, this will heal you. Keth and Jan, along with their dog, Dr. Light (whom you may remember from the "Megaman" video game series), are Hawaiians based out of Florida who make every New Age loony who came before them look positively old school. Jan is into astrology, although the majority of the astrology portion of the site manages to avoid any mention of anything more related to astrology than that "we are in the age of aquarius." Keth works with energy. I have no idea what he does with the energy, but he sure does work with it, and we're all very proud of him. What Dr. Light does, I'm not sure, but he seems to be a very highly valued member of the team, and I get the impression that he is involved with all of Jan and Keth's sessions, despite being an evil dog.

Light/SoulBody Work or Soular Healing

We access and work directly with your Akashic records (the soul’s record of lifetimes), releasing discord and restoring balance, alignment, and harmony. You surrender to your own Divinity.

Through SoulBodyWork or Soular Healing, we merge with your Soul to identify discordant energies and issues limiting your Soul’s growth and unnecessarily impacting your physical reality. An energetic process is initiated from which your Soul can now assimilate understanding from discordant Soul experiences (previously restricting growth) and provides your Soul the freedom to expand into whole new arenas of experience. Jan does Soul level Astrology Readings to support this and offer guidance.

Right away you can experience a tremendous release of blocked energies, depression, phobias, child-like/ addictive/compulsive behavior patterns, etc., and often release health challenges and physical disabilities limiting your life. The Awakening process allows you greater quality in relationships, freedom from limiting emotional issues and an inner peace to embrace a vibrancy of life previously unachievable. Your own connection to your SOURCE of power and Peace is Deepened. Some of the most profound parts of the sessions results show up in 3 to 6 Months! During this process much is accomplished in upgrading your LightBody and furthering your Merkaba.

Since the process occurs on many higher Soul-levels, it can be performed either physically on our healing table or remotely wherever you are via our energy connection initiated over the Phone.
We work with and assist the new Indigo, Violet and Crystal Children and their families in their Awakening and Healing process.

The above picture, in case you were wondering, is Dr. Light using his Children of the Corn powers to turn all who gaze upon him into evil zombies. Frankly, I think it's almost worth paying these people just for their exceptional bullshitting skills. They can make absolutely anything seem mystical and impressive. For instance, Keth claims to be an "8th Degree Reiki Master Teacher." 8th Degree, that's pretty neat! Or, it would be, except that Dr. Light is also a Reiki Master. Let me try that one again: the dog is a Reiki Master. And no, I don't know what a Reiki Master is, so don't ask. If you want another example, beside being an 8th Degree Reiki Master, Keth is also a "Light-Bringer." For us laypersons, that translates to "photographer." Let's face it, once you dress up "photographer" as "Light-Bringer," your entire site loses credibility. It doesn't help that the site looks like it was designed by a cabal of blind children bent on subjugating mankind to their evil will. In addition to all that fancy jazz, Keth is supposedly an expert healer with magnets, crystals and needle-free acupuncture. Of course, without the needles, the "puncture" part doesn't really make any sense. It's just "acu." The love is definitely there, though.

Many aspects of You, your family, your partner, your Soul, your Life and all your Lives will be affected by our multiple healing modes. You set the Intention for your Session, at it's beginning. Your HigherSelf and Guides help orchestrate the Session toward whatever you need most. Major focuses are ReMembering Light, Who You really Are, Freedom, and your Purpose in Being here Now at this awesome time of Planetary Awakening. Your Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual & Light Bodies are Activated, Healed, Up-Graded and Integrated. Your Brain is Re-Patterned clearing old programs and karma. Advanced Subtle Energy Technologies refashion your connection to the Grid work and Matrix / Field of existence (GOD). Many many Healing techniques such as AHS, Exodus, Polarity, Renewal, Soular Healing and Advanced Reiki are included.
You are brought into a Deeper alignment with HigherSelf /Source.
If necessary, parts of your Soul and power that have been missing are Recovered. Your DNA is activated and Infused with Light. Many of our clients are professional or emerging healers, are You? This work Activates Your Full Potential Self, latent Talents, InSight, Purpose, and Missions on our planet. We work with and assist the new Indigo, Violet and Crystal Children as well
.

I wish I was a Master of Light like Keth Luke, so I could ReMember Light, too. Or at least a Reiki Master. If the dog gets to be a Reiki Master, I say I should get to be one, too. It's only fair. If you want to be a Reiki Master, or you just want to burn your eyes out with horrible backgrounds, go get Awakened-Healed! Then come back here to regain your sanity. It's alright. We'll help you get through this.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.