The Works of Maurice Cotterell, Bestselling Author, Engineer and, submitted by Coast to Coast AM. Although "Coast to Coast Conspiracy Week" ended a few days ago, I would simply kick myself in my fat elderly ass if I failed to make "The Works of Maurice Cotterell, Bestselling Author, Engineer and Scientist" an Awful Link of the Day. You see, Maurice Cotterell, Bestselling Author, Engineer and Scientist, knows a few hundred million things that the world's top researchers and government thinktanks have failed to realize. Take this for example:
His research explains how the 28-day spinning Sun regulates menstruation, and hence fertility, in females and how it determines personality of the foetus in the womb (sun-sign astrology). It explains how the Sun causes schizophrenia, how overhead power lines cause cancer and how VDU's (TV and computer screens) cause miscarriages. And it explains how the Sun brings periodic catastrophic destruction to earth every few thousand years.
That's just for starters, ladies and gentlemen! Yup, Maurice Cotterell, Bestselling Author, Engineer and Scientist, not only knows that the sun makes women menstruate and become schizophrenic, but he can also prove that King Tut's tomb contained highly exciting and wonderful secrets that only a select few organizations (and him of course) know:
The Book of Revelation in the Bible, the decoded treasures of Tutankhamun and those of Lord Pacal all tell the same story . This ancient knowledge is known and thrives today, concealed in sacred geometry, cherished by the Church and the higher orders of Freemasonry. For the first time ever, Maurice Cotterell reveals the reasons for the secrecy, reasons which affect the future of us all.
Damn you, Freemasons! Damn you, Church! Also damn you too, sacred geometry! I don't even know what the fuck "sacred geometry" is, I guess it's like a square drawn by Jesus Christ when he was lecturing about how you should obey the Ten Commandments or else he'd turn your wife into salt and your kids into pepper. Or maybe it's a square made out of lines made out of tiny Jesus Christs. If you doubt the validity of his claims, and that would probably make you a worthless heretic, then feel free to check out all the critical praise Maurice Cotterell, Bestselling Author, Engineer and Scientist has received from his peers:
"Your lectures were an inspiration to us all...come back soon"
Jennie Kerr (College of Psychic Studies, London)
"...following his lecture, Maurice Cotterell sold more books than any other festival author ever"
Andrew McKenzie (Ottakers Bookshop, Daphne Du Maurier Festival, Fowey)
If the College of Psychic Studies and some guy who works at "Ottakers Bookshop" claims Maurice Cotterell, Bestselling Author, Engineer and Scientist is "all that," then who am I to judge? Damn you, sun!
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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