God Hates Harrodsburg, submitted by EVIL Gibson. Now I don't want to alarm any of you nice gentlemen and women in the lovely town of Harrodsburg, but it would appear as if God does not love your town as much as you might think he does! In fact, I have heard from reliable sources that he hates it! He can't stand it! God has this big list of towns he likes and "Harrodsburg" isn't listed anywhere on this list! If you were to walk up to God and ask him to stay in the town of Harrodsburg, he'd reply, "no, I hate that town." Bart McQueary knows this and is ashamed - utterly ashamed - of Harrodsburg and its horribly vile citizens. Well McQueary doesn't hate all of the people in Harrodsburg, just the faggots and fags and gays and queers and homosexuals and people of the non-heterosexual persuasion. Oh yeah, and he hates nerds too, so that just about covers our entire site's target demographic.

This brings me to the question, “How can dyke lover Robert Williamson be expected to handle this case?” Robert Williamson has nothing but love in his heart for filthy sodomites. This was made clear on June 13 when he lied about city ordinances and threatened me with arrest for picketing sodomites. It was made clearer that same evening when he contacted Stephen Hawking look-alike nerd and coward Dick Campbell to see about filing charges against me for picketing sodomites. Then on June 16th it was made crystal clear when he once again showed his ugly face at KFC to conspire with the goofy manager of Lowe’s to (temporarily until the lawsuit is filed by the ACLU) stop me from picketing. And then it was proven beyond a shadow of a doubt when he advised Dick Campbell to not prosecute the two fag and dyke enablers Jonathon Barnett and Thomas Douglas who viciously attacked me.

NERDS!!! NEEERRRRDS!!!! FAGS!!! FAAAAAAAGS!!! Poor Bart McQueary; first he was given a highly unfortunately last name of "McQueary," which must seriously hamper his strict anti-faggot agenda, and secondly he was beaten up by the tag team "fag and dyke enabler" of Jonathon Barnett and Thomas Douglas outside of a goddamn Kentucky Fried Chicken. If you're routinely getting beaten up by homosexuals outside fried chicken drive throughs, perhaps that's a good indication that maybe you're in the wrong line of work. However, I doubt a sound thrashing by two rabid homosexuals will distract Bart McQueary from his central goal of eliminating all the gays, fags, nerds, and un-Christian folk from the town of Harrodsburg so maybe God will hate it just a little bit less. Oh yeah, and the Harrodsburg police force must go as well, as they are part of the homosexual plague:

And the tyrant – fag and dyke lover Capt. Robert Williamson, DPD. This evil man has trampled on the rights of me as an American, and my duty as a gospel preacher. This Godless man has attempted to suppress the word of God! Thus pursuant to Romans 1:18, the wrath of God will soon be revealed from Heaven upon him.

The only hope that this evil man has is to fall to his knees in shame in disgrace and beg for the forgiveness of God Almighty. He must resign from his position with the Danville Police, and ask that I too forgive him. In order to show that he has fully repented, he must join me in front of KFC with a picket sign to prove to the world that he is not part of the fag and dyke agenda… or is he? Surely any man who loves and fears God would not take such aversion to a “God Hates Dykes” sign… unless?

I seem to remember that particular section in the Old Testament where God commanded Jacob to protest homosexuals outside a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant or else He would turn his wife into a pillar of hash browns. Extremely gay hash browns. Gay NERD hash browns. Bart also goes into detail describing how God hates Toys R Us shoppers and people who go to clubs. If you mistakenly feel Bart may be slightly incorrect in some of his claims, please keep in mind that he willingly uses the phrase "tinker damn" in his speech, and I've never met a single liar who says "tinker damn" and gets beaten up by homosexuals. I can only give Bart McQueary my deepest prayers and hopes that he, through sheer willpower and determination, will defeat the dirty, meddlesome faggots and homosexuals who are destroying his town, beating him up, and taking his pretty signs.

PS: Bart McQueary seems to really want you to send him email. Maybe you could share some tips with him regarding how to defeat gays in hand-to-hand combat or something?

PPS: If you are opposed to Bart McQueary or any of Bart McQueary's opinions, then you're obviously either gay or a deadly nerd and God will henceforth start hating your town too.

PPPS: The surrounding towns of Boyle County and Danville are apparently also hated by God, so if you live in Harrodsburg and are thinking of relocating to either of these places so God might loathe you less, you should probably reconsider.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.