View From The Wall, submitted by Lowtax. David Allen Rivera has been studying the Illuminati for years, possibly through a powerful microscope or something equally as scientific. For those of you who aren't "in the know" or "completely insane" like David, the Illuminati is a secret organization that controls all of the world's governments through some non-specific means that may involve the Necronomicon. David has published his earth-shattering findings in a 536 page book that's freely available online. Take that, Stephen King!
Back in 1978, I was given a cassette tape that had been recorded at the Open Door Church in Chambersburg, PA. The guest speaker was a gentleman by the name of John Todd. He identified himself as a former witch who was involved in a secret Order of the elite known as the Illuminati, who had been controlling world events for over 200 years, and whose ultimate goal was to establish a one-world government. I was quite shaken after listening to this tape, because in high school and college, I had begun to delve heavily into the facts and circumstances surrounding the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, and had come to the conclusion that there indeed was a conspiracy to kill him. I believed that this plot had been so pervasive and all-encompassing that it reached into the highest levels of government. Now, here was a man who was elaborating on the existence of a group who had the power, means, and motive to carry out such an act.
I've just got one question for the Illuminati: why is it so hard for me to score with sexy nurses? I mean, what good is a worldwide conspiracy if it doesn't totally get you laid and shit? Anyway, you can also check out David's other books, including an in-depth analysis of The Matrix and a comprehensive guide to the pagan origins of major holidays. With titles like "Helloween: Halloween Unmasked" and "Christmas Unwrapped: It's Not Cool to Yule" how can you go wrong?
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.