DON PETERSON's HOME PAGE, submitted by Efren. Balding man with a seemingly deadly nervous twitch in his face introduces his entire goofy family and his even goofier theories.

There are no aliens. Let's be real. The nearest temporal fold or tear that resembles a planet that we can even detect is a gazillion light years away. Just what kind of go-cart are they driving to get here? Even with the fastest imaginable warp drive we can fathom, it'd take those guys a lifetime to make the trip. When they get back, their worlds would be so far more advanced the trips back would not be worth the effort. Because time and space fold back, however, these folks we call aliens, are really *us* from the future, that have discovered the secrets, possibly due to this paper, and are folding time back on itself to, yes, abduct us, into the future. Why, you ask? We're close to discovering the answer but no one has quite put it together, until now.

And look at them... they're gray, walk about with no clothes (ever notice that "aliens" have no clothes in everything you see), and the boys and girls look the same... the reason? Gray is the blending of all races; finally, no race discrimination! They look the same... finally no sex discrimination. No distinguishing markings to signify rank or dominance. And no clothes to distinguish the rich from the poor. (I haven't figured how they keep warm, though, but I think it's because they have to spend so little energy trying to heat a 2-dimensioned room rather that the 3-D ones we do now.)

THE UNIVERSE IS FLAT. People use to think the earth was flat and the universe revolved around it. They were really partially correct... We know the universe is spinning and in constant motion. You know that as you move outward on anything that spins, that the speed becomes faster (centrifugal acceleration). The outer most extents of the universe go the fastest and therefore have the most energy. It's much like water in a bucket having more power than gravity. If we spin it fast enough over our heads, the water will stay inside the bucket even though it's upside down. As it goes faster, it seems to get heavy. Because it's going faster, it's gaining more mass (relativity). So, faster, heavier, means even MORE Power (energy).

All this time, we've been looking for the 4th (or greater) dimension and have yet to discover that we're only living in and postulating, based on two physical dimensions and that the other dimension of time, because if its inconsistencies, is not as linear as perhaps we'd wish.

Luckily for us, he has proof that greys do exist. Unfortunately, he accidentally labeled this exclusive photograph his "aunt." I hope he eventually catches this mistake. There's also a lengthy section dedicated to explaining the various ways we could prevent the moon from hitting us, but after reading ALODs like this, should we really care anymore?

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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