BILLSLATER.COM, submitted by Lowtax. William F. Slater, III got a little heated a week ago when his wife's site was made an Awful Link of the Day. Being the patriotic American citizen that he is, he instantly threatened me with patriotic lawsuits and vowed to bring me to some kind of patriotic Internet justice. After all, one of the greatest privileges of being an American citizen is the threat to take away somebody else's First Amendment Rights when you deem them to have wronged you in some fictional way!
Regardless, William F. Slater, III is currently in the process of mustering up countless Cease and Desist letters against this site, contacting the Chicago Police, FBI, and thousands of other governmental organizations in the pursuit of closing Something Awful and suing me for the millions of dollars I earn daily from its operation. In an attempt to appease William F. Slater, III and balance out the negative remarks Zack wrote regarding his wife's website, I am now officially making his site the "WONDERFULLY INCREDIBLE SITE OF THE DAY!", an award which I have never given to any other site. I honestly feel that William F. Slater, III's website is a wonderful and highly creative work of art and I would like to share this Internet gem with as many Internet citizens as possible. Here are just a few of the many impressive features and functions of his great site:
The front page - Beautiful neon green text magically flies onto the screen from an unknown location. How was this incredible piece of coding achieved? Only William F. Slater, III knows for sure, and this HTML secret isn't for public consumption! Note that the front page also reads "Please wait while images load," which is a helpful instruction for all of you people who didn't think to wait while the images loaded.
A colorful drawing of William F. Slater, III's home - This accurate and beautiful recreation of his residency seems like a photo-perfect replica of real life! It's almost as if reality jumped out of my monitor and planted a big wet kiss on my bright red cheeks! If you had any doubt to the realism of this drawing, the phrase "this is a realistic picture" written on the page will surely clarify any of your lingering confusion.
A comprehensive list of all domains he owns - William F. Slater, III owns a lot of domains and he is rightfully proud of this fact! With one quick click of the mouse button, you can easily learn which domains he owns and the current status of these domains. It's both convenient and useful, packaged up and presented inside a table with colorful and highly festive text.
A comprehensive list of all the computers he owns - A computer expert is like a connoisseur of fine wines; he knows each label is distinct and possesses its own refreshing flavour. William F. Slater, III is aware of this and has amassed over 29 computers on his own network, each serving a different function and purpose. Although this page hasn't been updated since May 7th, it still is fun and entertaining to view the powerhouse of a network that fuels William F. Slater, III's boundless creativity.
The music page - In addition to being a computer whiz, William F. Slater, III is quite the accomplished musician! This page showcases William F. Slater, III in various overalls and plaid shirts, detailing the different instruments he plays which include (but are not limited to) the washboard bass, kazoo, washboard, and jawbone. William F. Slater, III admits to enjoying almost any kind of music except for "rap or hip-hop," which is fortunate because the washboard and jawbone aren't usually featured in most "inner city" forms of music.
A page dedicated to his heroes - William F. Slater, III is a humble man who knows when to give credit to where credit is due. He lists Nathan Bedford Forrest as one of his favorite heroes despite the fact that Nathan Bedford Forrest founded the Klu Klux Klan and was never exonerated from the Fort Pillow massacre during the Civil War, in which many Union soldiers, most of them black, were slaughtered and mutilated after attempting to surrender.
A comprehensive list of all other websites he has developed - Although most of these websites seem to be inactive, the ones that are currently up are a shining tribute to excellent HTML skills, web ingenuity, and impressive graphic design.
These are just a few of the many entertaining and exciting features that his website has to offer. I could go on and on about this wonderfully incredible site but I'd probably run out of disk space on this web server! LOL (that stands for "Laughing Out Loud")! William F. Slater, III, if you're reading this, and I know you are, I'd just like to thank you for creating such an enjoyable online experience chock full of surprises and mystery! Kudos to you, good sir, for raising the standards in web ingenuity!
PS: William F. Slater, III has a guestbook that he provided a link to by writing "Please Sign My Guestbook." If you would like to congratulate him on his fine website, you may do so by clicking that link. Please do not send any rude, unflattering, or negative messages, as William F. Slater, III obviously spent a good deal of time creating his website and his guestbook is not there to be abused by online cyber-e-vandals. Plus he will probably threaten to sue you, which you really deserve for defacing his free guestbook.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.