MacGyver Slash Fan Fiction, submitted by ThatGreenJesus. I sometimes wonder how low human beings can possibly go in the desperate race to be as stupid as possible. Of course every time I think of a new low I need only load up the internet and within a few clicks that low is torn apart like a stomach lining at a razorblade pie eating contest. I think what gets it for me most of all are the fan fiction authors. I can understand some people who do it as a bad joke, but there are far too many of these foul monsters out there for it to be just a joke. It's gone way past being a joke. It's an epidemic, really. Fan fiction is bad enough, but do we really need some pasty 30-year-old shut-in's take on what it would be like if Gilligan fucked the professor? Yeah, I know there'd be coconut oil all over the place and that the Skipper would probably be watching from some bushes while pleasing himself. It's goddamned assumed, so you don't need to write it.

But much worse than Gilligan's Isle erotic fan fiction is this awful site celebrating MacGyver's imaginary adventures as envisioned by awful Internet writers. But to make the worse even more worse, some of the stories are about MacGyver's erotic escapades in the land of raging homosexuality! I can't even begin to think of the number of things wrong with erotic MacGyver fan fiction. I counted up to ten, and being that I lost both my feet in a botched pyramid scheme, I couldn't count past that. I'm assuming the number of things wrong with this probably number in the upper millions. For starters, it's MacGyver! MacGyver! Allow me to write that again in bold, italic, underlined text: MacGyver! Do we really need erotic stories about a Richard Dean Anderson character from a goofy 80s TV show? The answer is no. If you got any other answer then you're probably about as capable of thought as a brain tumor. And you probably have a brain tumor, too. Also, you're going to die because you have a brain tumor. Dibs on your stereo.

What's most shocking about this horrible frolic through the stygian depths of human stupidity is not so much the fact that all of this crap exists, but that it exists in such volume. Thankfully not all of it is erotic, but that still doesn't make it any better. There are still more perverted MacGyver fans out there than I ever imagined, and let me tell you, I spent a lot of time imaging perverted MacGyver fans! What's even more mind bogglingly idiotic is the fact there is erotic crossover fiction teaming MacGyver up with Fox Mulder from the "X-Files" and characters from other shows as well.

But enough complaining, let's get down to business with a sample from this erection-championing masterpiece:

MacGyver kissed the stuttering young man. "It's okay. I like virgins." Mac kissed him again more passionately than before. Mac let his hand explore under Daniel's T-shirt. Mac's long talented fingers quickly found Daniel's soft nipple, changing it's appearance. Before Daniel could do the same his shirt was peeled away.

I think it's safe to say this author clearly captured the character of MacGyver, right down to his preference in young virgin men! And hey, here's some more!

With a chuckle, Murdoc moved to kneel above him and leaned in to kiss him. Mac was still nervous, but Murdoc was gentle with him, kissing his mouth, and then his neck. Mac could tell he would have some huge hickey's in the morning, but suddenly couldn't bring himself to care. He began his own timid explorations of Murdoc's body, and his partner all but purred.

And there's this moronic adaptation of Little Red Riding Hood with MacGyver:

MacGyver had begun to look frightened, finally. But I don't think he really believed. Not even then. He learned the folly of not trusting his fear. The doomed hero just couldn't learn when to shut up.

"Grandma, what big teeth you have," he whispered.

"All the better to eat you with, my dear."

And then I ate him.

Wow! I guess MacGyver is dead! Oh well!

You can't pass up on reading this high-fiber snippet from a thrilling poem about Murdoc, MacGyver's evil arch nemesis:

But I've never kept promises,
And I cannot be trusted
To remember any debt,
Or keep any grace.
One must be who
One is.
So I'll take what I want, and kill whom I please,
Ignoring my conscience,
My soul,
And the solitary tear
That stains my face.
I am not crying!
It's only one tear,
Just one single tear,
Alone.

Damn! That was sure deep and thought provoking. The medium of poetry has been taken to new heights! Heights so high astronauts would probably say, "aw, fuck dat shit," and walk away from in absolute contempt.

If you're a fan of MacGyver or just a fan of jamming salad tongs into your eyesockets, then give this site a gander! You won't regret it. I've done all I can now. It is up to you to go fourth and ruin your brain with this nonsense! Scurry off! Scurry!

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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