#30 Masturbation, submitted by Roy. Sometimes, when I'm on the Internet, I just find something that horrifies me so much that I can't even find the words to express it. Something so painful, so gut-wrenchingly awful that my mind goes blank and I wake up seven to ten hours later in a pool of my own vomit and feces. Ten years ago, no one would think humankind in all its decency could produce any of the things we've all seen today, but thanks to our good friend the Internet, the darkest side of the human soul can be unleashed. With things like rotten.com and goatse.cx, you'd think that the world wide web couldn't sink to any lower point than it already is. But, lo and behold, it has. Welcome to the homepage of # 30+Masturbation.
At first glance, it would seem like any IRC chat homepage. But then you realize the full hideous potential that a masturbation chanel's website truly has. Let's take a look at some of the people who chat here. Remember, this is a MASTURBATION chat room...
MsKissie: Not actually a person, but a remarkable copy made out of lard and sweat. Doesn't she just scream "Erotic masturbation fantasy"?
Wintar: Ever stylish in his bowtie, Wintar rules his masturbation chat room with an Iron Fist, which is often filled with his penis that is surely made out of some other type of alloy.
Man-24: He is da MAN! Man-24 is sure to feel all of your erotic needs ladies...and men! He's known as the funny one, and his classic antics such as "Wearing a hat" add a delightful charm to a room that would otherwise just be about PURE, HARDCORE EROTICISM.
Ldycat: *Grrrowl!* Down kitty! This is a real lady in every sense of the word, except the part about not having a huge penis. You should treat her with lady-like respect! Only the most polite of you can blow your load to this dream gal.
PTm1948: She is a shy, quiet little girl, but she loves to get down and dirty! Don't be too scared of this picture - it isn't actually him, it's just a big, moist, soiled carpet sample.
Daisybell: You should call yourself sexyball, because that's what you are! Hot mamma!
SlowhandMtx: Look at the erotic, phallic shape of that tower in the background! Subliminal eroticism! Like the name says, he likes to do it...slow.
Janng: Hoooooo-eeeee! Ride me, cowgirl! She's not the wrangler type of cowgirl, but an actual genetic fusion of cow and girl. That's the way I like it!
Stormwolf: I'm howling at your moon, you great big bear of a man! This man reinvented jerking off. He turned it into some sort of an alarm clock, I believe. Also, if you'll look close, you may be able to see his true identity - he IS the lord Jesus Christ! My oh my, you've been a bad Jesus! He died for your sins, but now HE is the sinner, baby!
And finally...the epitome of eroticism...
^Chicklet: YOU HAVE WHEELED YOUR SEXY WAY INTO MY HEART! They may have found a vaccine for the Polio virus that put you in that chair, but they'll never find a cure for being that stone-cold seductive!
And there is more...dear god there is more.
You would think that this would be horrible enough. You'd think that with these images to fuel your nightmares, this page would stop...you'd think it would let you keep at least a little dignity / sanity. But no...
JESUSMOTHERFUCKINGDOODYJONES H. CHRIST!!!! Wha...wha...WHAT????? Yes, it's true people...the Internet has gotten worse! MUCH WORSE! The "Members" section and the "Ladies" section are officially the most horrible of all things since the Holocaust, and you will never, ever be the same if you look at this page.
Please, if you recognize anyone...ANYONE from these pictures, do everything and anything in your power to stop them. If they work for you, fire them. If they live near you, burn their house down. Please, just find some way to stop the fucking downright insanity that the internet has been reduced to. And contact me immediately with their vital info. Or, at the very least, tell them how you feel in their guestbook.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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