Randy Crow - Democrat for President 2004, submitted by Mike. Randy Crow is a doughy, moist, bald white man who would really like your vote in the upcoming 2004 Presidential election. He makes his case for Presidency by using every imaginable font, millions of colors (some of which don't even exist yet), and a font size that is legible from other solar systems. Randy chooses to not run as a Republican, Democrat, or Independent; he is apparently campaigning for the "ABSOLUTE BAT-SHIT CRAZY CONSPIRACY WACKO NUTJOB" party, which seems to be a very popular choice on the Internet.

I find it interesting Congress placed sanctions on the Taliban forbidding their members to leave Afghanistan, closed Afghanistan's foreign offices, & stopped all arms sales to Afghanistan in January 2001. These restrictions on the Taliban make it difficult to believe the Taliban could have played a role in Sept.11.

Since elimination of inheritance taxes does so much to eliminate God from our lives and communi$m, and since the fourth generation na$i'$ unconstitutional Executive Orders merging Church and State were also his first order of business after Big George's Omega Agency appointed Little George President, one can go to the bank knowing the elimination of God from our lives and the creation of a Hegelian State religion with Little George a vomit, look what the cat drug in god, is vastly important to Big George's Hegelian Omega Agency/New World Order.

Thirdly, I would like to point out the New York times types are soo greedy and dumb, they have forgotten to realize their game plan guarantees the end of the planet. The planet simply cannot survive environmentally the necessary wars to achieve their goal, theft of all the money.

This all makes sense to me, especially that one part about Gargamel making that potion to turn the Smurfs into little stone statues so he can then capture them once and for all and add them to his ceramic knickknack collection. No wait, that was an episode of "The Smurfs" I remember from the mid-1980's. Regardless, Randy Crow seems like an upstanding, intelligent, social, brilliant individual who will undoubtedly sweep the 2004 Presidential elections in a nearly unanimous landslide. Also, I'm lying.

PS: Oh yeah, there's this great legal part too:

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I guess that means I'm going to jail! I blame the Zioni$t$! Please have mercy on me, I'm just a pawn of the New World Order and I'm trying to build a tinfoil helmet to keep George Bu$h from reading my mind but I'm all out of unemployment checks and I can't afford a cardboard hat brim so now I'm unfashionably horrid! Save me Randy Crow, save me from tyranny! Become President and spend all the taxpayer money to construct a gigantic metallic ant which will shoot laser beams at orbiting mind control satellites! Help us all, Randy Crow, and use your metallic ant to crush whatever the hell the "Big George's Omega Agency / New World Order evil" happens to be! We will not be able to sleep safely at night until this bloated white psycho is in the Oval Office!

PPS: I find this part of his resume to be hilarious as well:

Political Experience, offices sought,

1998 US House loose to Mike McIntyre in Dem. Primary.

Yeah, I really want to vote for the guy who can't spell "lose" correctly. I trust him with nuclear weapons just about as much as I trust Louie Anderson with protecting my refrigerator.

PPPS: I think "Big George's Omega Agency" sounds like some kind of futuristic temp hiring service.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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