As you know, it's Fashion Week, and as always Something Awful is providing wall-to-wall coverage of all the latest styles. Now, ladies, let me pose this scenario to you: Do you want long hair, but you don't want to deal with the arduous process of waiting for it to grow?
Cue black-and-white infomercial footage of a woman brushing her hair and checking her watch, frustrated with the slow rate at which her hair is growing.
Do you also not want to get a wig or hair extensions for some reason?
A woman wearing a wig closes her front door, but her hair gets stuck in the door and it falls off, exposing her as a woman with slightly shorter hair. Hoo boy. Some handsome guys who happen to be walking by point and laugh at her. She literally dies of embarrassment. A funeral is held.
Luckily, there's a lazy solution for you! Hairshirts are "FUNNY, JUST-FOR-LAUGHS" T-shirts featuring a "high quality photo" of hair on the back. Wow, you can barely tell where the hair ends and the shirt hair begins! It's a pretty seamless transition, unless you have eyes and can see. This illusion is sure to fool people who also fall for those novelty aprons where it looks like the cook has a really buff bod.
There are 45 different possible combinations of hairstyles and colors, and at just a $12 per shirt, you can afford to collect them all! Now, you could just pay $0 and let your hair grow out naturally, but who has the time for that nowadays in this high-paced world of iPads and Internet?
You can buy a Hairshirt even if you don't want to pretend to have long hair. Wait, you ask, isn't that kind of the whole point of the Hairshirt? Yes, but why leave a potential market segment off the table? Shrewd marketing strategy from the Hairshirt inventor, IMO. This way, instead of looking like you have long hair, you can look like you have weird hairpieces floating behind you!
Spooky and conceptual! I like it. I predict big things for the Hairshirt.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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