It's time for another last-minute Valentine's Day gift idea! Let's say you can't spend February 14 with your wife or girlfriend, because you have to go on a business trip, or attend the fan-tastic NBA All-Star Game, or take a romantic trip with your mistress to help her forget that you sleep in a bed with your wife or girlfriend every other night. You could send flowers like a stupid jerk, or you could go to Hug E Gram and mail her a device that will simulate your embrace, assuming you were dressed as Mario or Hamburger Helper, because it was Halloween or whatever. She'll be thrilled, even if you've had to miss Valentine's Day for four consecutive years, like the dickhead in the Hug E Gram ad!
The Hug E Gram comes in "stylish colors" such as salmon, so you can feel like you're finding comfort in the evolved arms of a fish from the future! If you act now, Hug E Gram will also include flowers, which might seem odd because their commercial makes it clear that flowers are a terrible, disappointing item to receive in the mail. But wait! These flowers are made of wood. Instead of thorns, you can get splinters! And you don't need to water them, and in fact if you do, they'll become rotten and warped! Your wife or girlfriend or husband/boyfriend-with-eccentric-tastes will be the talk of the neighborhood with her/his portable strap-on hug and fresh-carved flowers. Other uses for Hug E Gram:
Are we not allowed to be real parents anymore? We may have feared the CyborFreaks, but we damn well respected them and learned about boundaries.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.