People use stuffed simulacra for everything these days, from dead-relative storage to sexual release. (Hopefully, no one assigns both responsibilities to the same plush.) But perhaps no one has spent quite as much money on fabric companionship as this guy, who has purchased three $700 Teddy Babes, not to mention the untold amount he's shelled out for replacement vaginal inserts.
It's all worth it to the Teddy Babe Chronicler, because, to quote his romantic ode to a member of his inanimate harem, "she doesn't snore, she doesn't complain, she's warm and cuddly, and she doesn't hit me in the eye with her elbow when she rolls over -- AND she even gets my hormones flowing!" Except she actually does complain in one of his stories, yawning "aren't you done yet?" before rolling over and going to sleep, leaving him "feeling a bit anxious." In this scenario, he encounters sexual disinterest, which surely echoes the sort of experiences that have driven him to this depressing fate, but he's rejected for being too potent a lover, which is where the fantasy aspect comes in. That, and the fact that the sentiments come from a goddamn fuck-Muppet.
It's like Big Love, if the polygamist character was less "Mormon" and more "delusional dollfucker."
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.