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|Tito Reynolds||....||The Barbarian|
|rest of cast listed alphabetically:|
|Nancy Allen||....||Sinnimar the Thief|
|Larry Bird||....||Mighty Ogben|
|Wendy||....||The Pink Queen|
|Daniel Trejo||....||Serpent King|
|Jürgen Prochnow||....||Necros Sinistar|
|Dyanne Thorne||....||The Temptress|
[Looking at the ransacked Barbarian Village.]
The Barbarian: Nooooo! The village has been destroyed! I will remember this day. All of my family is dead now. My sister is dead. My mother is dead. My father is dead. Only magic could defeat the barbarians. Now this magic will be dead. All who follow it will die. I swear it! I swear it on my dead family! I will not rest until I eat the blood of my enemies! I will dine on their guts!
Old Woman: Well met, Barbarian.
The Barbarian: Out of my way, crone! My village has been destroyed!
Old Woman: Go, then, if you are so angry that you do not have time for a prophecy.
The Barbarian: This&prophecy...is it about one such as I?
Old Woman: It is foretold that a warrior of bold heart will arise like unto the Phoenix from the fires of his homeland. He will be vexed by a ruinous wizard with the power of ancient sorcery and a diabolical plan to conjure an ancient evil. This warrior will seek out the Blood Gems of Shannar, that contain the blood of the greatest warriors and also their spirits. He will gain allies and face hideous enemies. He will seek council with the Pink Queen, who alone knows the path to the Blood Gems. He will defeat an old enemy and be betrayed by a companion. He will find love, but he will reject too much love for it will taint his warrior willpower. At last, with the strength he needs, he will battle the wizard.
The Barbarian: Will he defeat the wizard?
Old Woman: That is not clear in the loom of fate nor in the ancient writings of the prophecy. It is up to you, bold hearted warrior, to decide the fate of not just yourself but also all of Realmania.
The Barbarian: Okay.
Mighty Ogben: A barbarian needs no help!
The Barbarian: You need my help!
Mighty Ogben: This time. Next time we may be foes!
The Barbarian: First we defeat these goblins!
Mighty Ogben: The goblins are dead!
The Barbarian: It was a slaughter with me here. Like the slaughter that killed the barbarian village.
Mighty Ogben: This can't be true!
The Barbarian: It is true!
Mighty Ogben: Then we are the last.
The Barbarian: We must band together!
Mighty Ogben: For now...
Dying Elf: The wizard Necros Sinistar has killed my village.
The Barbarian: Even the elves are not safe. Why? Why did he slay the elves?
Dying Elf: He is...taking the souls...to summon the greatest vampire of the galaxy. He is 100 bow-lengths tall and is...the King of Vampires.
[The elf dies.]
The Barbarian: Perhaps I was wrong and elves and barbarians are not so different.
Mighty Ogben: Yes, this makes me think about races.
Mighty Ogben: Get these crazy skulls off of me!
The Barbarian: These skulls are almost as thick as yours, Ogben.
Mighty Ogben: Shut up, it is biting me now.
Mighty Ogben: The Pink Queen's castle is locked!
The Barbarian: I cannot break down the door even with my might!
Sinnimar the Thief: Perhaps I know a way in...
Mighty Ogben: Ah, it is a woman!
The Barbarian: Where did you come from, strange woman?
Sinnimar the Thief: I am Sinnimar, greatest thief in all of Realmania. I know a secret way into the Pink Queen's castle, but there are many perils.
Mighty Ogben: Ahhhh, these mirrors are trapping me with their magic!
Sinnimar the Thief: I am entranced by my own beautiful image...
The Barbarian: Arrrrgh!
[The Barbarian smashes the magical mirrors]
Sinnimar the Thief: Beguile us no more with your wizardry, Pink Queen!
The Temptress: You cannot resist my nude body.
The Barbarian: I will resist it with my sword!
The Temptress: How...could you...kill a nude woman?
The Barbarian: I am also going to eat your guts.
Sinnimar the Thief: Are you eating guts?!
The Barbarian: Yes, I eat guts and blood for power.
Sinnimar the Thief: That is pretty horrible.
The Pink Queen: I will tell you the way to that which you seek, but I have a price.
The Barbarian: What is it you ask?
The Pink Queen: You must ravish me with your sex, Barbarian!
The Barbarian: Your body inflames me, yet why do you wear that iron mask?
The Pink Queen: My sister was very jealous and she burned my beautiful face with acid. You met her and ate her guts, for that I thank you.
The Barbarian: It is okay, show me your face. I will show you my passion.
The Pink Queen: No one has ever said such a thing to me!
The Barbarian: My loin is on fire now, come to me and feel my powers.
The Pink Queen: Ahhh! Your sex is so powerful!
The Barbarian: It's an amazing time! YES! Now let us talk of the gems.
The Barbarian: It is a long way to the Dragon's Cove.
Mighty Ogben: I would give things for a horse.
The Barbarian: Where is that thief woman?
[Trees crash and Sinnimar emerges riding an elephant.]
Sinnimar the Thief: I am here I stole this from a nearby farm.
Mighty Ogben: That will go faster than my feet!
The Barbarian: I do not trust these animals.
Necros Sinistar: Serpent King, awaken from your crystal prism!
Serpent King: Why have you called me forth, my lord?
Necros Sinistar: The prophecy foretells that only one man can stop me and he is still alive! My legions have failed to destroy him when they destroyed his village! He is an old nemesis of yours.
Serpent King: The Barbarian lives still?
Necros Sinistar: Take your black unicorn and hunt him down! He must not interfere with my plans!
The Barbarian: Why are you in my tent are you trying to steal my sword?
Sinnimar the Thief: No, I am here to say that...I am sorry, Barbarian. It is horrible to me that you eat guts, but each person must have their own way.
The Barbarian: I understand. I once thought that barbarians were the only race worth having alive, then I realized that all races are equal other than magicians, because magicians choose to be evil. An elf cannot help that it is born less than a barbarian.
Sinnimar the Thief: Also, my thighs are sore from riding the elephant.
The Barbarian: I gave you warning that they were not to be trusted. Here, let me rub this ointment into your legs. It will heal them.
Sinnimar the Thief: Your touch is so warm...
The Barbarian: If you will let me I will also touch you other places.
Sinnimar the Thief: Yes...French kiss me now!
Mighty Ogben: I sense that we are being watched by some guy.
Sinnimar the Thief: Look, tracks! These could belong only to a black unicorn!
The Barbarian: Serpent King is at our heels, that foresaken cheater!
Sinnimar the Thief: Ah! It's a black unicorn!
Mighty Ogben: Who could envision such a terrible creature?!
The Barbarian: That's not just any creature! It is Serpent King!
Serpent King: I am Serpent King!
The Barbarian: You have defeated my companions, but you will not defeat me!
Serpent King: Haha, I laugh at your strength!
The Barbarian: Big words from one who was kicked out of Barbarian Academy for cheating!
Serpent King: These charges were false! I did not cheat!
The Barbarian: Then prove your knowledge in battle with me now!
Serpent King: You have defeated me...Barbarian.
The Barbarian: You defeated yourself, Serpent King. By cheating.
Serpent King: It's true. I'm...sorry....
The Barbarian: Goodbye, old friend.
Serpent King: It would be...an honor...to have my guts...eaten by...
The Barbarian: Save your breath, Serpent King. I will do as you ask.
[Sinnimar is magically hypnotized and walks into a nearby lake and reappears in Necros Sinistar's lair.]
Necros Sinistar: You are very beautiful, my dear. I would take many pleasures from you, but magic is my only concern. The Barbarian will not dare interefere now! Guards, place her in the Drowning Clock! She will be the final sacrifice to awaken the King of Vampires!
[The Barbarian and Mighty Ogben defeat the guards.]
The Barbarian: Weaklings! Your guts are unworthy of eating!
Sinnimar the Thief: Your plan is evil, but not as evil as your face!
Necros Sinistar: We shall see how evil my face is when you are in the belly of the King of Vampires.
The Barbarian: What is this? The dragon is dead! The gems are gone!
Mighty Ogben: Necros Sinistar has beaten us here!
The Barbarian: Quickly! We must search for a secret door!
The Barbarian: Sinnimar!
Sinnimar the Thief: Run! It's a trap!
Necros Sinistar: You are too late, Barbarian! I have drank the power of the Blood Gems and the ritual is nearly complete. Soon the King of Vampires will arise from this adjacent pool of magma and your world will be mine!
The Barbarian: You are wrong, foul magician! My ally and I will stop you!
Necros Sinistar: Perhaps you will find that your ally is not so allied as it seems!
The Barbarian: You have betrayed us, Ogben!
Mighty Ogben: It is not what I wanted to do. The magic makes me.
The Barbarian: Magic will destroy the whole world.
The Barbarian: These magical bracelets are imprisoning me! I must use my warrior's will to break out of them! YES! I have broken out of them, because man is more powerful than any magic.
Necros Sinistar: No!
Necros Sinistar: My lightning attack is far too powerful to be overcome.
The Barbarian: Ogben! Mighty Ogben! Fight his hypno-control! Fight against his magic!
Mighty Ogben: Must...overcome...mind...control.
[Mighty Ogben tackles Necros Sinistar and both plummet into the magma]
Necros Sinistar: Aiieeeee!
The Barbarian: Mighty Ogben has redeemed himself. Are you alright, Sinnimar?
Sinnimar the Thief: Yes, I am. Thank you for saving me. I can't believe Ogben is gone.
The Barbarian: Yes. So much wasted guts.
[The King of Vampires suddenly rises up out of the magma]
The Barbarian: King of Vampires! This is worse than before!
The Barbarian: The land is safe again. Sinnimar, you have stolen many things, but mostly you stole my heart.
Sinnimar the Thief: You also stole my heart, Barbarian.
The Barbarian: My loins burn hotter than the magma that burned the King of Vampires with its heat.
Sinnimar the Thief: French kiss me really hard!
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
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