Ugh, okay you jerks. I give up. You win. Well over a dozen of you emailed me either submitting this video, or demanding I induct it into AwfulVision. I'll do you all one better: I'll induct all of them... er.. most of them... er, well I'll just induct them until I lose my will to live entirely. Deal? Deal!
For the few of you who didn't email me about this, Alexyss K. Tylor is to feminists and "sex experts" what umm... well... look, I'm going to level with you: I can't find an analogy. This is literally insane misandry defined. Living in Alexyss' world means that every man that has ever lived either wants to fuck you and leave you or provide for you while being terrible in the sack. And of course, you see, women want to be provided for and have their "sides and middles worked". Therefor, all men are shit because none of them can adequately provide what a woman really needs (which, if you ask Alexyss, is money and a huge dick and a shrimp dinner).
We start with this lovely video. Remember ladies, if your man won't buy you a $2.99 shrimp dinner, it's time for his ass to go.
The video descriptions in all these videos provide the usual laundry list of "things that are wrong with this video" that I'd normally include here. So just pretend that I wrote them or I copied and pasted them here or something. Moving along!
Here, among other things, Alexyss apparently quotes a 6th grade biology book and uses it as some kind of mega burn against men. She basically says "The biological imperative for having sex is for the man to achieve orgasm, ejaculate sperm, and hopefully fertilize an egg thereby furthering the species through reproduction. Take that, male gender. Ya'll ain't nothin' but playas who can't work the sides and the middle." What secret behind the male sex agenda is she going to "uncover" next? That large breasts were originally a sign of fertility and that's why guys think they're attractive? Stop the presses!
Dropping literally all pretense, Alexyss dresses like a Nazi or something for this video. Nothing says "I have very rational and sane ideas regarding sex and gender roles" like associating yourself with the slaughter of 6 million Jews!
"We must find a Final Solution to the Government Cheese Question." -Adolf Hitler
I can't help but assume that guys keep ejaculating into her mouth because it's one of the few things that will actually shut her the fuck up for a few minutes.
*sniffs teh penis*
*licks teh lollipop*
Remember kids! 90% of men are bi-sexual, so if you're going to take a man's penis into your rectum be sure he washed the AIDS out of his ass with one of those hot water bottles they had in cartoons from the 1940's or else your friends might start calling him "Sweet and Sour".
I'm going to hire Alexyss to respond to everyone who trolls me from now on. God Damn.
If you ever find yourself in a dick war, just ask yourself: WWD&ND - What Would Dick & Nut Do?
...aaaand there it is. I have officially lost my will to live.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!