Occasionally (okay, "once"), I like to post some of the funny, stupid, or retarded things people send me via email. For example:
From: "Chris Everett"
Dear Mr Bailey,
Chris is from England, and I can only guess that "Something Awful" translates to "Something Sensitive P.S. We vow to never make fun of anything ever" in British or whatever language they speak over there.
From: "Graham 'Phantom' Watson"
Subject: Knocking the locks
Hey, I'm a gainfully employed nightclub manager, software engineer, teacher, coursewriter, and community leader, I wash my hair three or four times a week, I'm not a prick to anybody, and I have about two feet of dreadlocks. What up with knocking on the hairstyle? There are more worthy things to poke fun at people about than how they arrange their hair.
P.S.: Dreadlocks actually need to be kept very clean so they don't get oily and untangle. It's a strange persistent myth that you 'create' dreadlocks through a lack of hygiene.
Graham "Phantom" Watson
On one hand, I want to call Graham a faggot for thinking that I give a shit about his stupid fucking hair or his stupid fucking email or his stupid fucking .info websites. On the other hand, I am terrified of phantoms and I do not want to be haunted.
From: "Miss Jackie"
Subject: Hey Thanks
I saw your article that you wrote about me and I wanna say, "THANKS!!!". The views on my blog have skyrocketed thanks to you.
Thanks so much, sweet cheeks! ;)
P.S. Feel free to write about me anytime, since I crave the attention /SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO/ much. :)
"Heh. You think I care about your stupid article? I don't. Look at how sarcastic I am being. That is an example of how much I don't care. To give you another example of how much I don't care, I deleted all my videos and closed my Youtube account because I don't care so much. As you can see, I clearly do not care at all. Here are some random emoticons to further how much I, Miss Jackie, don't care. Furthermore, a bunch of people have been visiting my blog and using the bandwidth I pay for by rubbing cat food all over my face to call me a fat sack of shit. Clearly, I am the winner. Good day, sir."
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!