You might be a Libertarian if...

  • ...you think South Park is just as valid a source as scientific studies or reports from the U.N. are. Plus, it's ha-ha-hilarious!
  • ...you fail to see why the Constitution, a document drafted in the latter part of the 18th century when blood-letting and applying leaches was still common medical procedure and when the vast majority of people still thought witches existed, should ever have to be changed.
  • ...you think sitting in your basement unemployed, uninsured and uneducated, eating cold ramen noodles, is a preferable situation to paying one red fucking cent towards public welfare.
  • ...rather than porn, you have a cum-stained piece of paper with the word "FREE MARKET" written on it under your mattress.
  • ...you think white people should be able to say "nigger" casually and that any nigger who disagrees should stop stuffing their big fat nigger lips with fried chicken and watermelon long enough to read the First Amendment. If they even CAN read, that is. They probably spent all their time "hip hopping" and "gang banging" and never learned.
  • ...you constantly, and against overwhelming evidence to the contrary, remind everyone that America is number one at everything in the world. When rebutted with "facts", you quote the shit out of South Park and throw around terms like "limousine liberal".
  • ...you're very, very pro-war but the thought of military service scares you shitless, so you're "fighting the culture war at home".
  • ...you can say you're "fighting the culture war at home" without wanting to punch yourself in your own smug fucking face.
  • ...you love civil liberties and think people should be free to do whatever they want. Like never, ever taking that "Bush/Cheney '04" sticker off of the back window of your Geo Metro.
  • ...you namedrop Reagan as "the first libertarian, probably".
  • ...you say that neither side is right and that the answer to virtually every political question lies somewhere in the middle.
  • ...as a follow up to the last point, you have Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity preset on your car's radio.
  • ...you think that civil rights are inalienable and fundamental to our society and that one of the few roles our government should play is protecting them.. except for the ones about faggots marrying and whores getting abortions. That shit should be delegated to the states so we can ban the shit out of them with a clear conscience.
  • ...you don't give a shit about any of the following points and will pretty much vote for whoever will let you smoke weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.
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