Submitted by Jason Wilkin
Hill Valley, CA (AP) -- Early Friday morning, residents of Lyon Estates awoke to find that their once quiet neighborhood was the scene of perhaps the most gruesome and brutal murder in the history of Hill Valley.
Police were summoned after concerned neighbors called to report shouting and gun shots at the home of Mr. Biff Tannen during the night.
Upon arriving at the scene, police were horrified to find the partially dismembered body of Mr. Tannen in his bathtub. Cause of death was determined to be a gunshot wound to the head. Further investigation revealed that the assailant then attempted to strip the skin of Mr. Tannen's body and fashion it into a crude suit before giving up and stumbling out of the room, leaving a track of blood and entrails in his wake.
Biff Tannen: 1938 - 1985Upon following the trail to Mr. Tannen's basement, police found the suspect, Mr. Tannen's neighbor George McFly, covered in what was described as "a mix of blood and fecal matter". Mr. McFly was described as being "disoriented, incoherant and obviously under the influence of some sort of narcotic".
Apparently believing himself to be Ralph Kramden from the 1950's sitcom "The Honeymooners", Mr. McFly alegedly told officers "I told Alice that if she kept nagging me about going to the lodge meeting, it was going to be bang, zoom, to the moon BANG ZOOM TO THE MOON ALICE BANG ZOOM BANG ZOOM BANG ZOOM".
Mr. McFly was later confirmed to be under the influence of an alarmingly large dose of PCP.
Area residents were unable to determine what might have set off Mr. McFly's murderous rage, but his wife Lorraine aledges that on the evening prior to the homicide, Mr. McFly became enraged after Mr. Tannen barged into the McFly home, demanded the keys to Mr. McFly's car and further demanded a "loan" of 50 dollars from Mr. McFly.
Mr. Tannen then allegedly called Mr. McFly a "butthead" and asked the McFly children - David, 21, Linda, 20 and Martin, 17 - to "say hello to their mom" for him.
Apparently, this was the last straw for Mr. McFly.
While David and Linda McFly were too upset to give an official statement, Martin "Marty" McFly, lead guitarist for Hill Valley punk rock group "The Pinheads", was oddly stoic in the face of his father's arrest: "Oh man, this is heavy. Biff made my dad's life a living hell ever since they were kids. I mean, he raped my mom in the parking lot at a High School dance, and my dad just stood there and watched. That *explative* is *explative* up. I'm not saying what my dad did was right, but after about the 28th time he knocked on my forehead and said "Think McFly, think", I was thinking about shooting the son of a *explative* in the *explative* head myself."
Marty then excused himself, saying he had a meeting with noted Hill Valley crackpot Dr. Emmett Brown to "fix a few things".
George McFly is being held at the Hill Valley Detention Center pending trial on charges of 1st degree murder and various drug related charges. Bail was set at $5,000,000 dollars.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!