Submitted by Bo L.
If you're anything like me - and I assume you are - you've spent much of your adult life on your knees, praying a prayer to whatever god maybe be listening that went something like this: "Dear god, please let there be a video of 4 grown men(?) wrapped in green duct tape with color-coordinated cloth tied to them such as to suggest that they're the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Please let them also have plastic bottles duct taped to their bodies to simulate turtlecock and please, oh please god, please let them kneel over a pizza, simulate masturbating and then squirt mock turtlecum all over the pizza. Also, please let the sound track consist of nothing but a human heartbeat followed by complete, utter, horrifying silence as the cum starts flying. Amen."
Arise, friends! At long last, our day is at hand! Finally, after years of prayer on out part, the Lord hath spake, saying:
"That's enough internet for me forever."
"Why the fuck did the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles jacking-off and cum all over a pizza?"
"Why wouldn't they?"
"Whoa! The first 3 minutes of the Michael Bay "Ninja Turtles" reboot!"
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Today's viral teen news beat, brought to you by Mike from the Internet!
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!