As the old saying goes, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Much in the same vein, even a complete fuck up of a wrestling promotion like TNA can occasionally do something that resembles "the right thing" even if everything else the company touches turns to utter shit.
Last Friday, TNA released "controversial" (read as "unfunny Howard Stern knockoff") Todd "Bubba the Love Sponge" Clem. The official explanation was for racism. The unofficial explanation was for RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSM.
You see, Bubba was hired because he is friends with Hulk Hogan and made his debut on January 4th alongside Hogan and roughly 30 other people who can claim to be Hogan's friend. On a side note, "being Hulk Hogan's friend" has got to be about the sweetest position one can find oneself in, tied only with "salaried blow job receiver".
For those of you who have a sense of humor, aren't 300 lbs, don't have a farmer's tan and don't hate brown people, you are probably well aware of how pathologically unfunny Mr. The Love Sponge is. For those who aren't aware, allow me to fill you in: Bubba is an obese, white radio shock jock from Florida who caters to the exact sorts of inbred trash that think killing and slaughtering a wild pig live on air is HILARIOUS.
Yes, that actually happened, but only after Bubba asked his listeners to bring in road kill to the studio so they could grill and eat it. Murdering a wild pig live on air for the amusement of his listeners was not only a backup plan, but somehow the less trashy of the two ideas.
Florida, ladies and germs!
Anyway, Bubba was brought in to TNA to... uhm... uh... he was going to, uh... well, did I mention he was Hulk Hogan's friend? To be fair, he never really got a chance to develop his on air character because he was embroiled in controversy since practically day one of his job there.
To be specific, he tweeted "fuck hati" (sic) right after the rather awful Haitian earthquake that killed thousands. Edgy. As. Fuck. For any budding shock jocks out there, this is a textbook case in how to do your job. Wait for a tragedy to happen and then say "fuck them". Everyone will be shocked! Step two: be smug and fat.
Enter Awesome (or Amazing, depending on the promotion) Kong. A large, terrifying black woman who's "gimmick" is that she basically murders people dead in the ring. No bullshit, no talking, no unfunny comedy (WWE, I'm looking at you!). Enter ring, literally kill someone, leave. ~fin~
Awesome Kong did not appreciate Bubba "The Love" Sponge's comments. Was it because Kong herself is black like 90+% of the populace of Haiti and didn't take too kindly to the thinly veiled racism in Bubba's comments? Was it because she had been a driving force in the wrestling community for fund raising for Haiti? Who knows! Regardless of her motivation, Kong decided to have a chat with Bubba regarding the incident.
By which I mean she legitimately beat the fucking dog piss out of Bubba the next time she saw him.
Now, as I've poked fun at already, Bubba is not a small man. I'm guessing he's around the 6', 250+ lbs. mark. I don't mean to sound sexist here, but most of the women TNA employs could probably not take Bubba in a fight, no matter how out of shape he is; this being because most of the women TNA employs look like lingerie models.
Kong is no lingerie model. Kong is a bad motherfucker.
So, she beats his ass. She gets suspended. She demands that TNA terminate Bubba. TNA presumably refuses. She asks for her release and gets it.
Now, let's put aside all motivations here and look at this objectively: Bubba got assaulted at work. His assailant got fired. Bubba still had a (presumably pretty lucrative) job. The best revenge truly is living better, right?
Well... no. Not if you're Bubba. In Bubba's world, the best revenge is having your assailant fired, keeping your job, getting real butt hurt about having your ass kicked by a woman, calling said woman and leaving her a voice mail saying you're going to "punch her until she stops breathing" at which point she'll "be dead like all those niggers in Haiti", stalking her and finally calling into a radio show she was on and calling her a "dumb BLACK (emphasis his) bitch" and then getting shit canned by TNA.
Nothing looks better on the ol' resume than getting fired from a promotion that is actively employing a possible pedophile and a guy under federal indictment for drug trafficking.
Congrats, Bubba! TNA and AwfulVision wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors!
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!