Submitted by Paul Rice
Look kid, I've been around the internet a time or two. I've seen things; things not meant for the eyes of man. Things you could only conceive of in your wildest, most depraved nightmares. I've seen images that would hollow out a man's soul and watched videos that would drive a saint to sin. I've seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.
I have also seen some fat girls dance to "Homies" by ICP.
As you can imagine, your whale obsession doesn't faze me. Neither does the fact that you've created an inflatable whale suit. That shit is amateur compared to some of the insanity I've seen. I can even deal with the idea that you created this suit so that you could pretend to hump your other inflatable whales. Did you know some people get off on eating other people's shit? It's called coprophagia. There are people out there who like to snack on other people's turds and also possibly jack off while doing so. You think your whale costume is going to rattle me? Give me a fucking break.
I must admit, however, that there is one part of your video that bothers me. It's not the whale costume. Like I said, no big deal. You'll find sicker shit than that by simply GISing "horse" with the family filter off. Likewise, making a video of yourself humping your inflatable whales is small potatoes. I mean, hel-LO! This is AwfulVision. One time I reviewed an article of a dude shitting his pants while exercising. And not accidentally. It just so happened to make his dick hard to shit himself while exercising. When it comes to sexual deviancy, you're nothing.
Like I said, I can deal with all of that. But goddamn dude, it's "Inside AN inflatable whale", not "A inflatable whale" you fucking retard.
That about wraps things up for this installment of AwfulVision! Big ups to all my homies who made Something Awful Dot Com's least funny article possible this week. If you, the reader, would like to submit some terrible videos for me to make fun of or whatever it is I do here, you can submit them right here! The rest of you can fuck off!
See you jerks next time!
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Youtube user HolkHogan420 has been systematically exposing all of the Illuminati's plans.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!