Before we start this week, I need you all to do something for me. First, close your eyes (or, if you're blind, just act natural). Trust me, this will really help with the immersion factor.
Okay, eyes closed? Good. Now, take a few deep breaths. Relax. Sit back and kick your feet up. Now, when you're ready, I want you to clear your mind of all your previously held definitions of the word "crazy". Just throw them out the window because after today, your whole fucking world is going to be shattered, rearranged and rebuilt from the ground up. You have literally never seen some shit like I'm about to show you, and it is my duty as an internet comedy writer to make sure you're as prepared as you can possibly be.
How can we possibly categorize someone as crazy as I'm about to show you? What would he or she be like? What attributes would they have? What would make them tick? Of course, it goes without saying that they'd have self-diagnosed Aspergers. Probably a DeviantArt account, too. YouTube vlogger? Horribly unflattering nude pictures? Maybe an obsession with weird celebrities?
Haha, my friend, you have a lot to learn. Our target for today has all that and much much more. Warning: You may need to read this week's article in small doses. I suggest reading a page (stopping at once and calling a doctor immediately if you experience any dizziness, blurred vision or suicidal impulses) and then taking an hour break. May I suggest using that time to reject whatever religious beliefs you currently hold? Because after you read this week's article, I defy any of you to say that a just, loving God would let someone this terrible to exist...
Someone like Lurker Bunny.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!