Like many of you or possibly none of you, I was born in 1984 - a year when Reaganomics, terrible cartoon-toy tie-ins and video games reigned supreme. One of my first memories was my mother buying a Nintendo Entertainment System for my brother for Christmas the year it came out. Of course, you couldn't listen to Anthrax or smoke pot out of an NES (without extensive modifications, at least), so the NES was soon passed down to me circa 1988. I was instantly hooked.
Also, as an early indication of how stupid I'd eventually become, I originally thought Link was throwing a fish instead of a boomerang. Apparently, I also ate lead paint as a child.
Eventually, the 90's rolled around and video games (and Nintendo especially) were more popular than ever. Did you know that in 1992, nearly 45% of all television shows were Nintendo-related? Probably not, because that is a lie. But the fact remains, there were a lot of Nintendo-themed shows and magazines floating around. And with Nintendo-themed shows and magazines, came offers for "X-TREME RADICAL NINTENDO TIPS" videos and the like.
That brings me to these videos. I found these videos today, and holy shit, they brought back memories. Yes, these are a parody of the "GNARLY TUBULAR NINTENDO TIPS *wicked guitar riff*" videos, but y'know what? They honestly aren't exaggerating things much.
For example, here's a TURBO TIP on how to keep your officially licensed Nintendo cartridges in working order:
Here, the boys review the NES, complete with a bunch of screaming and camera angles that make me sea sick.
And they finally get around to turning on the system and playing some Super Mare-Ee-Oh Bros. here...
... and figure out how to not die horribly within the first 5 seconds here:
Fuck Double Dragon. I wish the game really did end after your girlfriend gets her ass kicked at the beginning because believe you me, the bitch ain't worth the shit you have to do to save her. In closing, fuck this hard piece of shit game.
Next to the word "dedication" in the dictionary, there is a picture of Ace's head sporting his new fade haircut that he apparently got solely for this series.
R.O.B. is such a little bitch.
Finally, here's our dynamic due reviewing a game that doesn't seem to be up to their standards of awesomeitude!
Well, dudes and dudettes, that about does it for this week of AwfulVision. Totally radical props to all my homeboys and homegirls for sending in these totally tubular videos! If you'd like to submit a terrible video in the hopes of making me gouge my eyes out, send them here.
See you next week, dudes and dudettes!
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!