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Tom Cruise is incredibly well-adjusted and mentally sound

It seems that America's funny man, Tom Cruise, has found a new lease on life during the past few years. Sure, some might call his new mannerisms "crazy", "dangerously crazy" or "so dangerously crazy that the government should hire Albert Einstein to go back in time and erase him from history ala the opening cinematics of Command and Conquer: Red Alert", but I am not one of those people (mainly because free speech isn't important enough to me to have my life ruined and the pants sued off of me for practicing it).

For the 3 of you who didn't watch that South Park episode from a year or so ago, Tom - as well as other celebrities - are members of a wonderful religion, that is in no way a cult, called Scientology founded by world renowned author L. Ron Hubbard who once completely coincidentally quipped that "if someone wanted to make a million dollars, they'd start a religion". Hubbard, of course, is well known for writing such classics as um... uh... well, I'm sure there are plenty. Besides, books are for nerds and dorks and not cool dudes like me. Who wants to spot me while I pump some iron? Hell yeah.

At any rate, I have a confession to make: Scientology is a great religion. There, I said it. In a world full of religions who's basic messages are all some version of "don't be an asshole, and you'll get rewarded for it after you die", Scientology has a much cooler, hipper, XXXtreme message for Generation X: "Give us money and we will remove the ghosts of aliens from your body". They are one hip cartoon cat mascot in sunglasses and a backwards baseball cap away from stealing the coveted 15-35 demographic away from atheism.

Don't believe me about how awesome Scientology is? Why, here are some more examples!

  • There's a lot less waiting around for stuff to happen in Scientology. Fuck that "you'll be punished in the next life for your transgressions on earth" noise other religions spout. If you fuck up as a Scientologist, you get punished here and now which means they will probably kill you in the most terrible way imagineable. Hell is pretty hardcore, but it's got nothing on being locked in a room and being allowed to die from a pulmonary embolism caused by severe dehydration.
  • Scientology is way less pussified than other religions. Tired of that "turn the other cheek" nonsense from other religions regarding non-believers? You'll get none of that from Scientology! If you so much as say that the last John Travolta movie sucked, L. Ron Hubbard's spy satellites will immediately record your blasphemy and automatically send faxes to your boss, your wife, and everyone you've ever known calling you a child molester.
  • A much more interesting read. Other religions back-stories are all about metaphysical crap. Scientology's plot is more or less the script from the Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, except that in the movie Dr. McCoy doesn't have to pay a million space bucks or whatever money they use to get Spock's ghost removed from his body.
  • Scientology has more big name actors than Buddhism, Christianity, and Judaism combined.
  • If you join, you could probably have them declare that bully from high school who used to beat you up and call you a gaywad "fair game" and then proceed to systematically dismantle everything he holds dear in life until he is but a shell of his former self and prays constantly for the sweet embrace of death. Take that, Brent you jerk!

If that doesn't convince that Scientology is the coolest trend since hitting yourself in the face with a brick until you pass out (popular on the east coast during the late 80's), then consider this video. I suggest you consider it as quickly as possible before Tom Cruise and his squad of alien ghost lawyers descend upon it. I will admit that I haven't watched it; not out of lack of interest mind you, but because I don't want to commit thought-crime against L. Ron's litiganous legions.

Hail Xenu.

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