Chapter Two: The Revenge of The Return of The Legend of Curly's Gold
True Fact: The only reason anyone has Facebook is to share stupid videos with other people who only have Facebook to share stupid videos. Truer Fact: We here at AwfulVision also have le Facebook and every week, we're gonna show off the bullshit our fans post on our wall! Truest Fact: Shoenice came from IT CAME FROM FACEBOOK last time and he got an entire page dedicated to him this time. Truly, there is gold in them thar internets.
Brad D. starts us off with this delightful clip from everbody's favorite animated sitcom featuring an ignorant, but well meaning father, a son who goes against his father but secretly yearns for his acceptance and a wife who... oh fuck it, I'm just making a "LOL AM I TALKING ABOUT THE SIMPSONS, FAMILY GUY OR KING OF THE HILL" joke here. Write your own fucking punchline. I hate you all.
Jonathan P. will NEVAR FORGET thanks to this video and neither will I!
Brandon G. is just JELLY AS SHIT and isn't fooling anyone.
Seriously, Brandon. You green with envy, dogg.
He even tries to slip in a rather unconvincing video of a cat "dancing" to try and throw me off the scent of his adoration for Glorious Nippon, but this particular "cat" ain't buyin' it!
Crunt Vanderhuge submitted this bit of "official" Duke Nukem uh... jam. I can only assume it's for Duke Nukem 3D since the "official" Duke Nukem Forever jam won't be out until at least 2023. HA HA SEFF MAKE FUNNEY VIDOE GAEM JOEK.
I totally take back what I said about Brandon G. being jealous of ginormous animu collections. Clearly, this fine sir has equally fine taste in music.
Daniel C. said this would make me feel uncomfortable. Daniel C. is a man of his word.
This song really touched me, because I love Jesse S. like a fat kid in a candy store. Specifically, I want to eat him and develop diabetes and probably self-esteem issues. ~tru luv~
I wanted to download the song in this video Luke B. sent me, but the band's drummer found me, kneecapped me with his wiffle ball bat and sicked his lawyers on me. What an angry kid. I think someone needs a Nap(ster HAHA LIKE THAT THING THAT HAPPENED 10 YEARS AGO).
This dudes rhymes are so sick, I now have AIDS. Crunt Vanderhuge, you need to go get tested. I'm serious.
Mumbling, shaking, heavy mouth breathing... I refer, of course, to Dillon E. who submitted this video of a man reviewing a book.
Joseph V. prefers to do his skank shopping at K-Mart (he has a thing for 50 year old women in sweat pants).
Jonathan P. submitted this 9 second long video of a drawing of a morbidly obese Lisa Simpson and my life is all the better for it.
Last night, I got down on my hands and knees and prayed to Jesus to send me a video of a fat child with a unibrow rapping about how he, his family, Snoop Dogg and ICP are all bitches. The next morning, Jesse S. posted this on our wall. Thanks for nothing yet again, Jesus.
Wait, wait, wait. Lemme get this straight, Bo L. The English have a sport where the goal is to watch other people hurl themselves down a hill? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP
Bo L. submits yet another video and frankly, there's only one thing I can say to this:
Fuck my gay, fat life. Fuck any reality this bullshit exists in. And most of all, fuck Jonathan P. for bringing it to my attention. UGHHHHHHHHH
Hopefully this guy Alex A. does group rates, because I can think of about a dozen Facebookers who are going to be in need of a funeral singer by the time this page is done. >:(
Brandon P. was one of about 11 trillion people who submitted this video this week.
Dammit, Bo L. You already got THATS_RACIST.gif'd once. DO NOT MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN.
THANK YOU, BO L. Finally, I can watch porn for the REAL action: the acting!
At this point, I'm considering just giving my article to Bo L. so that I can follow through with my plans to fuck off forever from these stupid videos.
Crunt Vanderhuge appears again, this time with with some helpful advice for anyone considering ingesting some bird miscarriages.
David B. neglected to mention if the dancing... human in this video is biologically male or female (trust the following advice from someone has seen his fair share of horrors: TITS ARE PROOF OF NOTHING), which made it nearly twice as hard to achieve the customary 17 faps-to-completion in a row I give each and every video before reviewing them. THANKS A LOT JERK
Dan S. submitted this video of a delightful little child who styles himself "Johnny Rebel" after the insanely racist 60's musician and makes videos about how much he hates gay people. I see big things in this kid's future! Specifically, the brick I plan to hurl at his stupid face if I ever see him in public!
I wanted to review this video Jake B. sent in, but I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A FUCKING WORD OF IT.
Richard M. gets the dubious honor of being the last video. I ran out of jokes 7 videos ago. Fuck this page, fuck this article and fuck you.
That does it for another action packed week of AwfulVision! Yup, that's it. 5 pages this week. You got 11 fucking million videos though, so ~deal with it~ *grabs board; grinds down the Eiffel tower*. Big thanks to everyone who sent in a video and made me wish for the sweet embrace of death. All the joy, magic and merriment of AwfulVision is just a stupid video submission away, so get on it! See you jerks next week!
I have raised over $300 participating in quilting bees for the American Quilting Bee Society so I think I deserve at least seven minutes of your time.
Ernest Cline, writer of Ready Player One, shares his newest poem.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!