[The meeting room of Vern Fonk Insurance, Inc. Insurance agents are gathered around a table ready for a meeting.]
[Ent. Vern Fonk]
Vern: "Guys, I have a great idea for a commercial! One that the kids will think is really hip!"
Ted: "What's your idea, Vern?"
Vern: "Any of you got kids that are into the Napolean Dynamite?"
Al: "Napolean Dynamite? Is that some rap hop artist?"
Vern: "No, it's some damn mormon movie that all the kids were into like 5 years ago. And we're going to make a commercial based on it. Y'know... really get the kids fired up about car insurance for people with DUIs."
Ted: "Oh yeah, I think I heard o' that shit. I had to get my son one of them damn "Vote for Gorge" or whatever shirts for his birthday because my goddamn ex wife is trying to get more fucking child support out of me. Y'gotta make gestures every once in a while or the damn courts'll get ya by the balls."
[The agents laugh]
Al: "Alright, Vern. What do we have to do?"
Vern: "Well, of course, I'm going to play the lead character. Al, you're gonna put on this here orange wig and ride by on my grandson's bike. I got it out in my truck right now. Ted, since you're familiar with the movie a little more than the rest of us, you're a-gonna play Pedro or Jesus or what the hell ever. Just put on this here fake mustache."
Ted: "No wig?"
Jim: "Ted, you've had the same gol'durn haircut since 1979. I think you'll be fine in that department."
[The agents, sans Ted, laugh]
Vern: "Speaking of which, Jim you're gonna play this little effeminate fella. You just put on these glasses I got at the Dollar Store and just sit there and eat steak. Think you can handle that?"
Jim: "Are you serious?"
Vern: "I sure as shit am. Also, oddly enough, that thing you just said is your only line. But can you say it real deep like? I don't want people to think you're a real faggot. Also, can you phrase it like a statement and not a question for no particular reason?"
Jim: "Like this? 'ARE YOU SERIOUS'"
Vern: "Perfect. Now Al, when you and Ted ride by, Ima gonna throw this steak and hit you in the face."
[Al stands, alarmed]
Al: "What? Why are you going do do that, Vern?"
Vern: "Mainly because I have absolutely no idea how to tie in this random, out-of-date pop culture reference with auto insurance and am therefor creating an incredibly awkward non-sequitur by changing only like 2 lines from the actual script and leaving the rest untouched. I am a fraud and a charlatan who is incredibly out of touch with mainstream consumer culture, but maybe if we cram enough stupid references to a movie that half of our potential customer demographic hasn't seen, we'll somehow manage to sell insurance anyway much in the way that primitive people thought rain dances actually caused rain."
[Silence. Slowly, one by one the agents rise and begin clapping]
Vern: "Now, let's get out there and make auto insurance history!"
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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