"Is this your card? No? Is this your card? No? Is this your card? No?"
I hate when it's apocalypse and relatable awkward shit happens to me... fuck...
Got no time for haters 👏 people who expect me to do emotional labor for free 👏 and people who ask me why my dick is stuck in the VCR 👏
What if Neo and Ted Theodore Logan were the same person? Not that hard to imagine
open grinders falling off lap on to carpet compilation (HD)
me, getting my arm hacked off: you moron. chainsaws arent even used in hockey
Welcome... to scary hell.
The doctor said I needed more greens in my diet so I've been chowing down on scouring pads on my lunch breaks
Liches are huge dumbasses. I do NOT respect liches.
The non-Euclidean geometry of our coupling is corroding my sanity.
Oh my god... that guy's swinging his sword around. He must have an insanely disciplined mind
The uncontrollable hunger of pot addicts
Me: *throwing a fidget spinner across the room* so what do you cool bros think about Mike's hard lemonade? *dab*
Human ass vending machine.
These date stories really are the pits.
If you think Hitler was good, you've got another thing coming.
if ur an evil wizard post in this thread about the spells you cast and other things like that. personally for me i like to make potions that turn people into skeleton monsters that obey my every whim.
Wow, certainly a provocative article title this week. Sorry. Next week it'll be about Donald Trump or some shit, promise.
*effortlessly evading the Xenomorphs clumsy blows* Ok, this has been fun, but I think it's about time I killed you.
Yeah it is getting a little long, huh. Well I'll get on it soon, have a few things to get done first tho
People ask me if it's difficult to do so many different accents, but that's easy. The difficult part is dialing all the numbers.
Think the customer is always right? Heh... read on, kid...
Sex is like an art. There's a good way to do it, and a bad way to do it.
FBI, if you're listening to me right now, remain silent
These stimpaks are making me thirsty!
Apples... and ORANGES??? Wuh? Buh? Zuh?
"What are you gonna do, seize me?" -Quote from man seized
Ever wondered about how to cook an egg? This article is for you!
Ah yeah, that's the stuff
May your YouTube recommendations always infer the worst about you
I'm going to use my Q-Tips to clean my ears, against the explicit instructions not to do so
*the Baha Men look at their feet and kick the dust around a tiny ajar bee door*
A contest to guess a Pokémon engenders awe-inspiring art!
"Yo RZA, yo razor, hit me with the major disappointment over the consistency of this flan"
Drop a cadbury egg in there for a fun way to celebrate easter.
Please remember to get regular cancer screenings. This part isn't a joke. The part in the article itself is a joke though.
Congratulations! Here are some jokes about sex stuff - including sex!
Please don't try these at home.
A THRILLING article that will leave you ASTONISHED! [That's how noir taglines read, I think. Sorry.]
Remember that dog that played basketball. From the 90s. He's back
Me: 6'6" lumberjack I'm 6' tall the other measurement isn't overstatement You: 3 foot tall woman with a flat head for me to put my beer on, no teeth
Me: [in the car, driving away] Smoking weed with grandma is funny
Waiting for Godot: Two guys look up sports scores on their phones for two acts.
911: hello yes this is 911
Like stand-up comedians, but they're sitting down, instead. Do you get it please?
Want to play along at home? Write your answers on a postcard and send them to [continued inside article]
Two hits. Me hitting you. You hitting the floor.
My computer is really tiny and hard to use!