INT – PROTOTYPE TYE FIGHTER
DARTH CARNAGE mans the controls as Anakin paces moodily behind him.
I do not understand why we must go to Coruscant, a
hotbed of Jedi activity. We must keep a low profile,
No not tell me what to do. If you must know, we are
going there to rescue my son, Chappie, from the hands
of a demented Jedi.
A son? Why was Palpatine and my Master not made aware
Chappie is my own business. I must get him back from
Obie Wan before he turns him into a fruit. He has named
him Luke already.
Obie Wan... I have met him. I fought with him briefly.
He is quite strong, and strong and powerful with The
His only power is to hold me back!
Yes, well he seemed powerful.
EXT – PALPATINE’S APARTMENT
The Prototype TYE Fighter touches down on the roof, and ANAKIN and DARTH CARNAGE
hop out. PALPATINE storms up to meet them, full of pompous bluster.
You fools! You cannot be seen together on Coruscant!
You will blow this thing wide open!
Where is Padme, master? I must see her.
No! You must not! She must not know of our
She has something of mine that I must get back
Palpatine looks quizzical, and then his face takes on a twisted smile.
A... son? Oh Anakin, I’m so proud of you! Is he
a boy or a girl?
He is a boy, my lord. He is small and bald and fat, like a
normal baby. He must be less than a day old. He was taken
from me by Obie Wan and Padme.
I will give you Padme’s address. Please wear normal clothes
to avoid suspicion.
INT – APARTMENT COMPLEX – OUTSIDE PADME’S ROOM
DARTH CARNAGE and ANAKIN, wearing simple tan robes, stand outside nervously.
You wait out here, Darth Carnage. You might scare her.
I am a pretty scary looking guy!
Okay, be cool.
Anakin knocks on Padme’s door. PADME opens it, holding young Leia.
I am here for my child, Padme. Give him to
Anakin! How did you find me!
Padme tries to slam the door, but Anakin puts his ankle in the door.
The child! Give him to me!
This child? This is not our child, I am holding
this child for a friend. See, she is a girl.
PADME opens the child’s drawers to reveal her genitalia.
I see... but where is Chappie?
Luke is far away from here, and far away from
you. I heard what you said about being called
It is true, although I sense a presence here,
it does not seem to be his. I will go now, but
you have not seen the last of me!
Well you know what, I hope I have.
Anakin removes his ankle from the door and storms out, limping. Darth Carnage follows.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.