EXT - NABOO LANDING PLATFORM
Obie Wan's Jedi star fighter swooshes through the sky and lands on the
landing platform. Obie Wan steps out and shuts the hatch. He hesitates
for a moment, then strides up to PADME'S PALACE and knocks on the door.
He waits for a moment and then THREEPIO answers it.
Obie Wan! This is a pleasant surprise! But I'm afraid that
Master Anakin won't be so happy to see you.
Why not, Threepio? There was a time when I was like his brother.
The master's heart has hardened. It seems that he is of two
minds these days.
This disturbs me. Tell me, Threepio, were you always gold?
No Obie Wan, my Master painted me gold after I helped him
on the planet of evil bug creatures. It is the highest honor
that a droid can receive.
I see. Now be a good droid and summon your master.
Okay Obie Wan, but it would be wise if you waited on the porch.
Threepio walks into the palace, and Obie Wan sits on a wicker chair on
the veranda. He looks into the sunset wistfully as he waits. The screen
gets wobbly and a montage of his good times with Anakin is shown: him
tousling young Anakin’s hair and smiling, the two of them fighting big
bug monsters with their lightsabers, Anakin shooting an alien in the back
and then giving Obie Wan a high-five.
Anakin appears from within the Palace.
You will find no welcome here, my former master.
But why, Anakin? We had so many good times.
I am changing, master. I am becoming a man, and as such, my
feelings and emotions are changing.
It is normal, Anakin. Your body is growing and your mind can't
keep up. It happens to all boys at your age.
SILENCE! I am not a boy. I am a man. More of a man than you
will ever be. I even got Padme pregnant.
You got her pregnant? How?
She is carrying my child.
A grim expression falls over Obie Wan's face. Padme walks out of the
palace holding her belly.
Anakin, it is time- oh! Obie Wan!
Silence. Tell Threepio to draw a bath. Obie Wan, my wife
is now going to birth her child, and you shall not be a part
of this process.
Anakin puts his hand on Padme's shoulder and leads her into the house.
Obie Wan sits with his head in his hands on the porch.
INT - NABOO PALACE
Padme is sitting on a lavish bed and holding her newborn infant son.
Anakin, fiery eyed, is pacing about the room. He goes to the window
and looks outside.
Obie Wan is still out there, why won't he go away?
Obie Wan is your friend, Anakin. He wants to be here with you
during this troubled time.
This is not a time of trouble! This is a time of glory! My
newborn son and I shall rule over the galaxy with an iron fist!
What do you mean, rule over the galaxy?
He shall be my willing slave, and I shall teach him of the
force! We shall take control of the government and build an
empire upon the suffering of those less powerful!
Anakin, you are scaring me. I don't like this idea.
Do not call me by that name! Call me... (ANAKIN'S VOICE LOWERS
AN OCTIVE AND HIS EYES FLASH RED) Darth... VADER!
Padme rushes to the window and throws the baby out! Obie Wan, outside,
catches the baby with The Force.
(Yells out the window): OBIE WAN! TAKE THIS CHILD TO TATOOINE
WHERE HE WILL BE SAFE!
You fool! It matters not. Get back in bed this instant, and I
will impregnate you again with an even better child!
EXT - PADME'S PALACE.
Obie Wan holds the baby in his arms and softly pets its forehead.
I will call you... Luke.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.