I lived in Wilmington, NC until I was about 10, and I have some pretty vivid memories of an amusement park there called Jubilee Park. It had obviously seen its heyday in the late 70s/early 80s, so by this point it was a decrepit, redneck infested mess. The funniest thing I ever saw there was the gaggle of guys, wearing a variety of NASCAR shirts, standing around the go-kart tracks and betting on their kids to win.
And does anyone remember those slingshot rides? The ones where they strap you in to one of those little seats between two huge fucking towers and then fire you off into the sky? I've seen some spectacular volleys of vomit come from those things.
Last summer I was at Dorney Park with some friends, getting off of one of the roller coasters. This particular ride was one of those where at certain points the cars end up going upside-down; not too uncommon, I guess.
As we were leaving, we wound up passing underneath one of these upside-down sections, and saw something hairy and brown drop down from above, landing with a sort of damp smack on the pavement. It turned out to be a very patchy and dubious-looking woman's wig. After a couple moments of astonishment we figured it had probably fallen off of some unlucky lady during the ride, and took it to the visitor information queue.
On the way back we saw a flush-cheeked and very fat woman in one of those floral type-mumu things hustling towards the queu, with about a half-inch of black hair and some sort of troubling scalp condition encroaching down her forehead.
I felt bad for her, but at the same time found it kind of funny in a grotesque, John Waters kind of way.
An Cat Dubh
Once at Cedar Point I saw a kid who looked about 9 smoking while waiting in line for the Raptor.
My friend and her little brother, who couldn't have been more than 9 and 6 at the time, were on some ride at Disney where they put two people in front and two in back of a car. The girl in front of my friend and her brother gave the guy next to her a blowjob during the ride.
While in the fantasyland section of the park, (Walt Disney World.) I saw a four year old standing around, urinating in a circle, while his parents cheered him on.
There's a playground area at the park where I used to work with a huge fountain in the middle for kids to play in. There's a huge spout in the middle of the fountain and about every five minutes or so on a busy day, some small child will put their genitals on top of the hole while their parents laugh, cheer, and take pictures. Ain't nothin' cuter than a little bit of public masturbation.
I watched a red-faced bawling little boy get picked up by a fuzzy costumed mascot and just start punching away at his furry captor's head in shrieking, little-kid berzerker fury. Eventually the mascot fell over and the child ran screaming and crying off into the park.
Once at a theme park I saw a dirty, brown, woman's maxi pad laying in the road. While I did not see the failure of humanity which littered this, I can only assume it was quite the failure indeed.
One of my friends used to work in the parade dancing as different characters. After each parade ends, its basically their job to go and shake the kiddies hands without falling too far behind the group. So one Christmas, this friend was dressed in a gingerbread man outfit with this creepy looking face for a Christmas themed parade. When it was time to go around and shake the kiddies hands, this one kid just held on and wouldn't let go of his massive ginger hand. And now his pack is leaving him behind as they go off to end the parade, so my friend gets level to the kids face and whispers so only the kid can hear, "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU." The kid automatically lets go. He then gets up and merrily danced away from a completely traumatized and crying child.
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
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