I'm 6'4" and she's 5'1", so we were already a comical couple to look at. We finally start to get it on and my god, there was just the most ridiculous comedy of errors every fucking time we tried to have sex.
The first time around, I discover that because she's so small, and I'm... reasonably large ... I literally can't get it in her. Hours of playing around downstairs, mountains of lube, and I just can't put it in without her crying out in pain. I felt like a child molester, seriously. Because I feel bad about it she offers me a blowjob to finish me off, but because I now feel totally weird because she seems so inexperienced and vulnerable, it takes her about a solid hour to get me finished, and she can't talk properly the next day because her jaw is so sore.
Second time around, we manage to finally get a position where I can penetrate her - we figure out it's her pubic bone that's causing the trouble and that's what I can't get past, so flipping her over and doing it doggy is the only way we can initially make it work. I have to put her knees onto three pillows each to raise her up enough for me to be able to actually do it, although once it's in and it doesn't hurt she REALLY gets into it and starts screaming for me to fuck her harder.
Obviously I'm really enjoying it because it feels great ("Finally!", think I, "this is awesome!"), so who am I to refuse? I grab her by the hips, and start banging away as hard as I can. Of course, she loses her balance, her legs spasm out, she tumbles off the precarious pillow-stand I have set up underneath her, slips with her hand and smashes her face into the headboard, at which point her nose starts pissing blood - but for some reason, shock or something, she doesn't make a single sound.
The worst thing is I thought she fell off the pillow because - due to me seeing the leg spasms as she fell - she's really enjoying herself. So I just lean in and continue banging away. So for a good ten seconds while she's reeling in shock after busting her face open, and trying to staunch the flow of blood, I'm leaning over her back pumping away for all I'm worth. She was not very fucking happy about that, but I honestly didn't realise till I saw the blood (and I had my eyes closed for a good bit...) She had a black eye and a swollen nose the day after. (She said she got it in a fight, not having sex with her retarded boyfriend.)
Sex with me is much like watching two pie-throwing clowns go flapping around with oversized shoes and trousers full of custard.
I have a tiny penis, struggle to get it up, and when I do I ejaculate almost instantly. I've never had a sexual encounter that didn't go awkwardly wrong.
Pretty drunk after getting back from a club and kinda full of speed, with my girlfriend who was sober, and didn't know I'd taken drugs. We were messing around on her bed naked but not quite fucking yet, with the stereo on.
One of my favourite songs started playing and she suddenly stopped, looked up and asked me if I was, in fact, pumping my fist in the air and singing along quietly rather than paying attention to her. Unfortunately, I was.
I have a tendency to get very distracted and am completely unable to orgasm. One time it was because I had "I'm on Fire" by Bruce Springsteen stuck in my head. It was very aggravating ... and tenacious as it took three days to stop singing it.
So this girl gets off work and comes over and we're curled up on da couch watching The Mist, and one thing leads to another and we start fooling around. Before much longer we're having sex on my friends' couch, an act for which I have yet to apologize because I have yet to tell them.
I'm in a kind of modified sitting position which is not exactly comfortable but it's not too uncomfortable and I have different things on my mind anyway.
So things are about to finish (notice how politely i put that) and the girl informs me that she wants me to "finish" on her face. I'm not really into that but whatever, it's 2010!
So I stand up and crash to the floor immediately. It was so shocking that all I could say was a very confused "what?" on the way to the floor. And, since I was very near the moment of "finish," my body was basically locked up. I had no way to defend myself.
What happened? Well I guess my left leg had gone to sleep somehow, and I just happened to put all of my weight on my now-useless leg as I stood up. I can still hear myself say "what?" on my way to the floor, where I basically "finished" in a completely paralyzed state while laying on the ground, as the girl, in what I can only imagine will be the last time I will ever see her, just put her hands on her head and said "what the fuck?"
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.