I thought I was king shit one day and went to IKEA and bought what I believed was an awesome bed sheet/blanket set. It was a jet black blanket/comforter, blood red sheets, and those ruffle things that you put under your mattress and they look all pimp. They were also red. And the pillow cases were red and black. If I thought I was getting some action that night and could plan ahead, I'd throw the good sheets on to make a quality first impress.
Well, I bring a girl over one night and she sees the bed, starts laughing and asks me how hard it was to break into Prince's house and steal his bed.
I did the only thing I could do at that point ... I jumped on the bed and started writhing around, wailing my rendition of "Darling Nikki." I still got laid, which says as much about the girl as it does about me.
I was about 22, and I had just gotten my first "solo" apartment. No roommates, no live-in girl. I did have a gf, but she wasn't living with me. Just me, my stuff, my food MY RULES (it was so sweet). Well, I was into metalworking at the time, learning to weld. I made a bed frame for myself that consisted of I-beams (local industrial scrap) and a heavily cracked polished granite headboard I had gotten from a local gravestone company for cheap because it was too cracked to be used as a gravestone. All in all it was the most fucking awesome bedframe I've ever owned.
One day, I find a little extra moolah in my wallet, and I decide that it would be really REALLY sexy to have satin sheets, a satin comforter and satin pillows. I go to the store and drop almost $150 on a full set, come home, and make my bed up into what I'm thinking is going to be a sexfest fuckstravaganza of legendary proportions. I invite the GF over, light some candles and steal some flowers from a neighbors' garden. The stage is now set!
She walks in the door, and I meet her there, blindfold in hand. I put it on her and lead her to the oh-so-monsterously-sexy room by her hand. We get to the door, and I tell her to take off the blindfold as I leap onto the bed. The satin bed. With the satin comforter.
I don't know how many of you have had any experience with satin sheets, but the friction coefficient is somewhere between zero and minus infinity. I have seen oil spills that were less slippery. Regardless, I hit the foot of the bed from a mid-air leap, and slid (I swear I gained speed after hitting the satin) full speed head-first into the granite headboard. My head cracked into the granite with a force I can only describe as "FUCKFUCKFUCKOWOWOWOWOWOWOWFUCKSHITOW" and immediately begins to bleed like I opened an artery. The GF is standing there, watching all of this take place with this look. And then she absoutely loses her shit laughing at me. She laughed all the way to the emergency room, she laughed as she described to the doctor what happened, laughed as she regaled ALL the nurses with the story of my idiocy, and laughed all the way home again after I got my 17 stitches. $150 on sheets, $275 emergency room visit, and not even a handjob.
I never could get the blood out of the sheets, either.
Was doing it with some girl I met at the bar when I here someone knock on the door. I ask who it is, and the reply was just "Keep on jamming!"
Apartment complexes suck.
The other day my girlfriend started masturbating while watching me play video games.
I was playing God of War And the first time I asked if she wanted me to stop for sex, she said "No, I like watching you play games."
I was watching someone stream Wind Waker when my girlfriend came up to me and wanted to fuck. We got into it fast, so I forgot about the computer. Fast forward a few minutes and she's bent over the desk with me behind her and my eyes drift back to the computer. I start watching the Wind Waker again and realize that the person playing was lost, so being the ultra-smooth dude I am, I slid one hand over to the keyboard and started slowly typing thinking I was being sneaky enough that she wouldn't notice. She did. Immediately.
I told her what had happened, and she just looked at me and said "Are you serious?"
Yes, yes I was. I know the pain of being lost in Wind Waker and I just couldn't stand by and watch.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.