I like older chicks, and a while ago I hooked up with an older woman a couple of times. She's 45, said she had a daughter, blah blah blah. Didn't hang around long enough to meet the daughter, it wasn't that sort of deal.
Last week I bump into a woman, seemed friendly so we were chatting and I got her number. I called her today, we chat for a while and she wants to meet up. So I go over to her place, things got hot and heavy fast and we go at it.
I'm lying there naked, vulnerable as only a man who's exhausted post-coitus could be. As she's lighting up a cigarette she drops the bomb. Apparently her mother talked about me, showed a picture etc and sung my praises, that's why she was so willing to fuck on what wasn't even the first date. She just wanted to get laid, and that was that. She was completely unfazed by the whole thing, which probably points to a few family issues there.
What was sort of weird was she gave head exactly like her mother. Same technique, same sounds, hand usage, everything.
I'll probably call her again. The daughter, I mean. I no longer have the mother's number. Although I might just go balls out and ask the daughter if she'd be up for a threesome. I no longer have any shame.
Well, it's done. It happened, and I've returned. I don't really know what I was expecting to happen, considering I have little experience with threesomes and even less with incest. I can't tell if what I just did was awesome, or if I've earned myself a special spot in the circle of hell reserved for the lustful. I think a few years of contemplation and therapy will help me.
I went over to the house and we had dinner. An actual sit-down dinner at a kitchen table. Pot roast if anyone is curious. Not exactly what I'd consider an erotic meal. The conversation was far too normal, mother and daughter chatting about the upcoming marriage of one of the daughter's friends, shopping for gifts on the registry at Target. For an hour, there was no talk of sex in any fashion, and I was too scared to breach the subject. I admit it, I was scared. I thought it might have been some elaborate joke at my expense, and if I said anything they'd laugh, call me perverted and kick me out.
When the meal was finished, I helped with the dishes. I frantically scrubbed the plates with steel wool, and I have the urge to do the same thing to myself right now. As I was washing, the mom asked me why I was so quiet through dinner since normally I can't shut up. Before I could reply she asked me if I was nervous about fucking the two of them at once. Those were her words, not mine. There was no sugar-coating it, no thinly veiled references. It was laid out right before me. Fucking them both at once.
I said yes. The mom laughed and said not to worry. I asked if they were nervous, and she looked at me like I was the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. And it hit me: This was not their first time at the rodeo. It explained everything, really. Why the daughter had no problem fucking me, why the mom told her about me, and why it took zero real effort to make this happen. I was not blazing new territory. To put it in perspective, if the first guy that fucked them both was Columbus, I was lucky to be a guy driving down I-95 to work.
I'm not going to give a blow-by-blow because I'm not good at erotic writing, but the gist of it is I went in expecting that I'd simply get head from one then another, then fuck the mom and then the daughter, something simple. Cut and dry. I wasn't expecting a lot of interaction between the two of them. My first clue that my expectations were unfounded came when the daughter started blowing me and her mom grabbed her hair and pushed her head down.
What followed was a perverse game of sexual one-upmanship, where the two of them seemed to be jockeying at all times to prove who was better. The daughter shouted at me to fuck her mom harder, the mom cheered me on as the daughter rode my face and told me to eat her little girl's pussy. Again, her words, not mine. I did put a condom on, I brought plenty of condoms since I thought I'd have to be changing them when I went from one to the other. Well, that didn't happen. I took it off when I pulled out of the mom, then the daughter went down on me again and the mom straddled my face. Before I realized what was happening, the daughter hopped on my cock and was happily bouncing away. I probably have some previously undiscovered mutant STD that will make my cock look like an extra from Resident Evil in a day, but that's my fault since I didn't exactly push her off. Then when the time to switch positions came again, the mom blew me. She was merrily sucking my dick, straight from her daughter's vagina.
Basically, every single thing that happened would have been insanely awesome in the context of a regular threesome, but at the end I am confronted by the grim reality that I just participated in an act of incest. Both of them were completely unfazed by the act, while I had the look of a deer caught in the headlights for the whole thing. I've never felt such a schism between my dick and my brain: My dick was basically doing back flips, while my brain is shouting that a daughter should not be licking my shaft while her mother rides it.
The urge to flee overcame me post-orgasm, because then my dick shut up and all I could hear was my brain yelling at me as I stared down at a mother and daughter covered with my semen.
They just turned on the TV and were glad the Ravens won.
Finally, forums minstrel Leovinus sums things up with a reference to the favorite film of prolific lovers everywhere: Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Brave Sir Robin made shit up
And the forums ate it up
When glory raised a siren's head
He posted bullshit in a thread
They bought it with no pause at all
though it was really implausible
He told a lie so he'd feel cool
Like that kid you knew at school
He told them a tall tale and thus
They proved themselves quite credulous
Bravest of the braaave, Sir Robin
Thanks to Shmorky for making my wish for an opening image come true without exacting a terrible ironic cost!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.