I think I was around thirteen at the time and I was staying at my grandma's house. We were all watching a movie (Sliver- not exactly the best movie to watch with your grandparents) and the movie just set me off and I needed to take care of it so I went to the can. Well I am doing the deed and all of the sudden my grandma comes in unannounced and looks at me. I look at her. She looks at me. I hunch over to cover my pee-dude and she turns around and leaves. It was the longest second of my life. Anyways after I finish up (jk, she killed the mood) I went out to the kitchen to explain what I was doing (I can’t even remember what I was going to tell her) and my grandma says don’t bother. Just next time make sure that the door is locked. While my grandma was telling me this my two sisters overheard and asked my grandma what happened. Well do you think my grandma would lie and tell them some stupid story? No. She told them what I was doing. Needless to say it was a pretty awkward day after that.
When I turned 21, I went to visit my parents in Thailand (they're there temporarily for work). One night, while we were out, my dad's employee said "I'm gonna go to a bathhouse...wanna go?" And my dad responded "No thanks." I had no idea what a bath house was, but my dad looked at me and said "You can go with him." My dad says to his employee "I'll pay you back for it tomorrow." I thought I was gonna get like a massage or something. My dad's employee asks me on the way there, "You ever been to one?" I reply "No." He chuckles and says "You're gonna fuck tonight."
I do my deed and go home. And my dad says to me "Hey, did you have fun? I wanted you to experience what it's like. Don't get hooked on doing it all the time though. Don't tell your mom"
My dad bought me a prostitute for my b-day.
My mom is the sort of woman that will tell you all about her sex life over breakfast at a family restaurant. "Oh, and there WAS sex last night" is her favorite phrase. My dad, even though he's a fuck champion or whatever according to my mom, is pretty close-mouthed about shit like that. It's kinda funny to see a 55 year old man get embarrassed by that.
Anyways, I'm helping them move from their old house to their new house about a couple months ago, and my dad and I are taking apart the water bed. We drain it, take off the mattress and start disassembling it. My dad takes a piece of the bed down to the U-haul, and then I remove the headboard. I see about 3 tubes of something; I thought they were like Aspercreme or something at first, but then I look closer.
The first bottle says SEX GREASE. My Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger almost saw the light of day then.
The second bottle is the famous Astroglide.
The third bottle is some kind of strawberry lickable lotion that warms to the touch. All 3 tubes have clearly been used. As I'm looking at this hidden cache of Sex Grease, I hear my dad walking up the stairs. I grab the headboard, head down to the truck and tell him "I'm gonna take a break for a bit".
When I came back, all of the tubes were gone. Oh, but it gets better.
As we're moving the stuff inside, We're carrying a dresser up the stairs. For some odd reason, I'm carrying it with the drawers facing me, and he's going up the steps backwards. As we get up to like the 4th step, the middle drawer slides open. Staring me right in the face is the famous Sex Grease, along with the other 2 bottles. My dad must have known what happened because he said very quietly "Forget it; let's just get this damn thing upstairs."
When I was 17, I was still enjoying the dry humping stage of the average teenager's sexual life. You know what I'm talking about ... lay on top, rub your genitals together awkwardly through your clothes, and maybe get the occasional blowjob/hand job. Anyway, the girl really liked to dig her nails into things. And by things; I mean my ass and back.
Now, I'm a high school drop-out, and I was working pretty much 16-18 hours per day (still do). My dad works nights and was generally not able to get to sleep until about 6-7AM. On his off nights, we kind of took to sitting around the kitchen table and drinking coffee when I didn't have too much work to get done.
A few hours after one of the fingernail-digging romps in the back of the girl's car, I'm sitting at the table talking to my dad and he starts staring at the top of my arm. I don't think anything about it and, sooner or later, get up to grab another cup of coffee. I turn my back to him (not wearing a shirt, god bless working from home) and he immediately busts out laughing.
Me: What's so funny? Him: Your back looks like you got stuck in a barbed wire fence. She's a wild one, eh? Me: Yeah, she's pretty crazy.
He eventually goes to bed, and I think all's right in the world. I'm still working the next morning when my mom comes into my little office.
"Let me see."
"I want to see how bad that little hussy scratched you up."
Fun-fact: My mom is the most no-nonsense, I'll kill you where you stand, crusty old heifer to ever walk the earth. She doesn't take shit. Apparently, my dad neglected to tell her how it happened, and she just thought my girlfriend scratched me because she got pissed off or something.
Explaining to your mom that it happened during a round of dry humping, and not because my girlfriend is a psychotic man-beater, was probably the most awkward 5 minutes of my life.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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