My mom likes to have sex talks with me while I'm trapped in her car and can't leave. She's oddly old-fashioned about sex before marriage, and didn't want me to engage in it, but didn't hesitate to randomly tell me that "there are things that are more fun than just intercourse, you know." In my shocked state, I said, "Mom, I know!" Which earned another locked in the car sex talk.
It was our 6 month anniversary thing. Up to this point we had never really done anything in terms of sex. She decides to give me head. When all said and done we were just lying naked in her bed. Then... *SLAM*! her front door closes. Her dad yelling for her starts to walk upstairs. She tells him that she is getting dressed that she just got out of the shower and not to come up. He goes in the bathroom, sees the dry tub and threw a fit. She made me hide naked under her bed, and then the father comes in the room. Just kinda hanging around talking. Then he bends down, looks under the bed and sees me there naked.
The whole "YOU FUCKED MY DAUGHTER" look he gave me was enough to make me never get naked in that house again.
My girlfriend and I had been unable to go at it for about a week since my grandmother was staying with us and NEVER LEFT THE DAMN HOUSE, EVER. In any case, we were both incredibly incredibly horny, so we decided, "fuck it...let's have stealth-sex". Mother and grandmother upstairs watching TV. My room is in the basement. Plenty of distance. Closed my door, turned on the TV to muffle the sound, got as naked as necessary, and went at it like wild monkeys.
When it was all over, girlfriend went upstairs to mop up. Then I went upstairs to take a whiz after her. On my way back down, my mother spoke up: "Hey...When I put sheets on your bed the other day, I noticed one of the supports holding up your mattress is broken. We need to fix that, because it certainly makes a lot of noise."
my cat batted a condom around my apartment when my folks were over.
This must have happened when I was 15 or 16, before I could drive myself around and therefore minimize contact with my crazy-ass Christian mother. She was driving me home from golfing practice one day, and decided to bring up her favorite subject: why one should never engage in pre-marital sex.
Concurrent with her training as a lawyer, she gave me the introduction to her argument, 3 supporting reasons, and a conclusion. I can only vaguely remember what she said, aside from it being "sinful" and "against what Jesus would want for you", but I do remember one reason very, very clearly.
"Son, I don't want to tell you this, but I have genital warts; my first husband gave them to me, and your father has them too. Genital warts is a painful, debilitating venereal disease, and it has caused me a great deal of discomfort in my life."
Read that sentence aloud in the best church-lady voice you can muster, and you'll have a somewhat accurate portrayal of what my mom is like.
So my friend Kevin was around 15 at the time, and didn’t have cable TV so instead of being able to masturbate to corny soft-core late at night he was forced to doing his business to infomercials and the such. Anyway one night his whole family except him goes out for dinner and he decides it's a good chance to rub one off so he sits down on his couch in his living room and goes to work, no shirt and his pants and boxers around his ankles. He ends up finishing up unloading on his chest, but instead of getting up and cleaning off he lays there with it still on his chest just relaxing. The next thing he knows he's waking up to his mother shaking him, he hasn't moved an inch, he ended up falling asleep just sitting there with his load on his chest and his pants around his ankles. Fortunately he didn't get in much trouble just was told to keep it to a minimum and keep it out of the living room.
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
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