It was the summer of my junior year in high school. I was dating a college girl that lived about 30 minutes away. We usually only slept together at her house or in my car. My parents were seemingly uptight about us being alone in their house. Strictly against the rules. On this particular day my parents were going out of town to visit my grandparents. Just as soon as they were gone I went and picked up my girl from her house and brought her back to my parent's house. I wasn’t going to miss the opportunity to finally score on my own bed. After about an hour of great sex, I go downstairs to the kitchen to get something to drink while she is hopping in the shower. Right as I'm coming out of the kitchen I see my parents opening the front door. I immediately freaked. My mind was instantly overflowing with ideas of how to sneak her out. Just as I started to ask my parents why they were home so early, the girl comes running the down the stairs (note bare ass naked) yelling something about going another round. She stops stone still the second she sees my parents. My mom screams and runs to her room, My girl screams and runs to my room, And my dad says.... "Bout fucking time." and slaps me on the shoulder.
One time I videotaped my naked gf and I having a good time. I lost the video. My mom managed to find it when she wanted to show the whole family a tape of our trip to Europe.
I and my family were all at the dinner table when I mentioned how my quasi boyfriend was coming for the week in August. My older sister immediately piped up with, "So... you gonna give him a blow job?" Silence. I mumbled something like, "Uhm...nno!" She started laughing and then was like, "You're gonna fuck him!" I glared at her and was like, "Shut up!" I must have turned several shades of red. My mom had a huge grin on her face, my younger sister was covering her mouth in spurts of giggles, and my dad calmly said, "Well then. I don't think this is an appropriate conversation for your younger sibling." Then he laughed at me.
I once asked my mom if she was horny to see if she knew what it meant. She did and was pissed.
This was at another school in our parish (read county) with a fairly good swim team. There were 6 guys on it, and two of them were state swim stars. Also, the new coach was fresh out of college and a hott(note the two T's) blond with a swimmer’s bod. There were rumors about the guys on the swim team running man-trains on the coach, but they were unfounded high school rumors, and none of the guys on the swim team would admit to anything like that going on. Finally one day the vice principle needs to get something out of the coach's office, but her door is locked, so he unlocks it. When he gets in there he hears some noise in the back storage room, and when he goes in there he sees her with the entire swim team, and she is taking it in every hole a cock will fit, plus one in each hand. There were a series of meetings about it, and no charges were pressed (4 of the guys were underage) so she was set free, but her teaching license was revoked. Apparently they had been doing this for a few months, and it started at one of the swim meets where they all had to stay in a hotel. Somehow a room was shared, and group sex was had that night, and it continued until they were stupid enough to get caught at school. I knew one of the guys by proxy, and at a party he told us all about it after the fact, and how they had kept it secret so they could keep tapping that hott nympho ass. She apparently was a sex fiend, and was sexing at least two or more of them every day, in addition to her fiancé.
My parents and I never really talked about sex, which was something I was always extremely grateful for. When I started seeing this guy the summer I turned 18, however, they got really weird about us hanging out. One day, after buying condoms at the drug store, the receipt must have fallen out of the bag and was on the floor of my car. My dad found it and for some reason took notice when fixing something on my radio.
He walks into my room while I'm on the computer and places the receipt next to me. "Nice to see you’re using protection," he says dryly. "He can't buy them for himself?" And walks out.
Couldn't look at him for the rest of the day. So very awkward.
My family went to visit my sister, who'd moved to another city to go to college. She shows us around her house, ending up in her bedroom... where she'd neglected to hide the joke birthday gift from her room-mates that was sitting on the side table: a huge glass vase, filled to the brim with condoms. It was soon after that we found out our mother (who we'd previously thought was pretty hip and cool) was totally against sex before marriage. She didn't appreciate the joke, and my sister got a stern lecture.
Imagine how my mother felt a few years later, when she found something else that my sister accidentally left on the side-table. The receipt from an abortion clinic.
Way to go, sis.
When I was in college, my girlfriend went to Korea for about 9 months...we'd talk on the phone about once a month. One day her stepmother called me, and asked if I had heard from my girlfriend in a while....basically I’ll paraphrase:
Step mom: "Have you heard from heather in a while?" Me: "Yeah, talked to her the other day...you want me to tell her to call you guys?" Step mom: "Yes, please do. It's been over a month since she called us."
So then we move on to basic chit-chat for about five minutes, and then started wrapping up the conversation:
Step mom: "Ok, well it was nice talking to you, please let Heather know that we want to hear from her." Me: "Yeah, no problem. I'll eat her out for not calling you."
stunned silence on both ends...we sat there for about 30 seconds without saying anything, and then my brain started working again, and I said "CHEW HER OUT! I MEANT CHEW HER OUT!"
a few weeks later, my gf told me she had talked to her step mom and had heard the story, and that they both thought it was hilarious. no prob there, I assumed she would hear about it...the part that scared me was when she said "My dad thought it was really funny too"
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.