My next girlfriend, well she and I would fuck like rabbits anywhere and everywhere. We never really got caught by a parent or anything, but one time we were in my room and we were just about to get to it, and she was standing there in her underwear, just about to take it off when my dad, not thinking, opens the door and walks in. I've never seen two people so embarrassed and move so quick in my life! My gf dives into the bed under the covers, and he quickly said SORRY! and shuts the door. From that day on, if my GF was over and my door was shut, he would call me on my phone (had separate lines) if he needed me. My parents wouldn't even come down that end of the house.
Another story, not having to do with my parents or a GF's, but a friend of mine. When we were younger (probably 12-13ish) we were searching his house. His parents were gone, and we knew he had playboys and shit like that, so we wanted to find them. We made the mistake of looking in a filing cabinet in his parent’s bedroom. In there we found ropes, clothespins, vibrators, and small dixie cups that appeared to be filled with pubic hair. It was the scariest thing to see at that age. We also found a stash of bondage magazines. Ever since that day, my friend has had a bondage fetish...Like father like son I guess!
I was dating a guy who was living with his grandma for the summer, and I spent the night there a few times. One night we dropped in without warning and his grandma was there with a man who had been an old boyfriend, like 60 years previously, and they were "dating," for lack of a better term. I mean, really they were just good friends and both widowed. Anyway, so we showed up and they were so embarrassed about the whole thing that he left and went home, and we had no idea why.
Later, when my boyfriend was taking a shower, his grandma cornered me and told me, at length, that she and the guy "weren't having sexual relations" and that the whole situation was very awkward, and that was why he had left.
Not to mention how awkward it was for me to have my boyfriend's 70+-year-old grandma repeating the phrase "sexual relations" at me.
Once when I was about 13 or so I twisted a testicle so needed an operation. After a couple of months the dissolvable stitches still hadn't come out, so I went to the doctors with my mother. I ended up having to have my balls examined by 2 nurses. So I was lying there with my legs sprawled on the table while 2 hot nurses are poking at my balls then my mom says "Hey, in a few years you can tell your friends about this. Having 2 nurses look at your balls."
When I was 17 or so I and my then-girlfriend were sitting on the couch messing around, she had her top off and there was some pretty heavy petting going on. So she's sitting on top of me when we hear a car pull up in the drive way; my dad had come home from work early. So we make a mad dash for my bedroom and close the door behind us just as the front door opens. It's not too long before we realize that her shirt and bra are still out in the middle of the living room. My dad and I were living in a tiny little two bedroom place at the time so there's no way he didn't see the discarded clothing, and the odds were good that he was going to be within visible range whenever we (well, I) finally worked up the nerve to run out and grab her clothes.
The next day I get a talk about how if I'm gonna have sex that it shouldn't be a spontaneous thing and if I'm gonna do it I should talk about it with my girlfriend first and by the way here's a box of condoms. I never got a chance to use them because she was a fucked up manipulative Goth whore, but that's another, less interesting story.
I was dating a guy a long while back. His mom and sister and I were pretty friendly, as I hung out there a lot with him.
I smoked at the time and was out in their backyard having a cigarette when his mom came out. I have a weird phobia about smoking around the parents of my friends. It stems from my deep, screaming phobia about smoking around my own parents.
She asked me for a drag. I gave her one, and we talked about how she used to smoke, and how she'd been a party girl in college, etc. She was and still is a kick in the pants.
Then she says, "So, have you and Matt had sex yet?"
"Um. Yeah." I decided honesty was the best policy. That was weird, but then she asked, "is he any good? His dad was LOUSY in bed."
Thinking back on it now, it's incredibly funny. At that moment I really was hoping for some spontaneous human combustion, or a convenient earthquake or meteor strike to kill me.
Someone told TIME magazine about trolling and now we all just have to deal with it.
If that boy isn't willing to shoot his laser and get you that carbon, he's not worth your time.
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.