When I was probably 12 or so I went during the summer to visit a friend who had moved to St. Louis. His parents were pretty young at the time. Late 20's early 30's tops. We were in his room kicking the ol' peanut around and all of a sudden we hear the head board slam against the wall. It took no great feat of mental gymnastics to figure out his parents were fucking. I looked at my friend and he just put his head in his hands and said "This happens every Wednesday." He immediately jumped up and began pounding on the wall yelling "THERE ARE PEOPLE OVER HERE!!!" I think that killed their mood because there wasn't even a groan after that.
I'm glad my parents had a happy, healthy relationship, but hearing your parents fucking 5-7 nights a week can really get to you after awhile. I finally started sleeping with music playing. One day on the way to school my Mom said "I wish you'd turn the music down at night, we can hear the bass and it's annoying." I replied "Yeah, if you can hear me then it stands to reason that I can hear you, which is exactly WHY I need music playing at night." She never brought it up again.
I was in my first year of college and home for the weekend, visiting my girlfriend who was a senior in high school. We'd been hanging out in her room drinking and waiting for her parents to go to bed. By the time the house quieted down, we were both drunk and horny. They had a pretty small house and sound carried well, so we were always careful to keep the noise to a minimum. Anyways, a half hour later I'm nailing her from behind, get a little overeager and pull back a bit too far. When I slam back into her I'm an inch or two off target and bury my cock into her virgin, unlubricated ass.
I've never heard a cat on fire, but I'd imagine the shriek she let out to be pretty similar. My mind is screaming "ABORT ABORT LOUD NOISE OH FUCK BAD BAD!" I quickly roll off her and pull the blankets up over her as her dad busts into the room in his skivvies holding a baseball bat, looking to destroy the asshole that’s broken into their house. She mumbles something about "night terrors" while I pretend to be half asleep and confused. He seemed pretty doubtful of the explanation but left us alone. There was a long moment though where the thought of being beaten to a bloody pile of jelly and bone fragments while naked by an old, fat guy in his underpants would be the ultimate in undignified deaths.
The only awkward experience I had with my parents was when I was about 15. I had a friend and two girls over in my room. He's screwing around with this girl on the floor while I and the other girl watch a movie. My mom must have been sitting there with her ear pressed to the door the whole time, because she heard faint moans and totally fucking freaked out. I guess she thought we were all gangbanging.
A few hours after they leave, my mom just starts screaming at my dad to tell me that I can't have girls in my room anymore. My dad, in his infinite "I don't give a fuck what you do" wisdom comes over to me, and says "Your mom said you can't have girls in your room any more." He then proceeds to pat both my friend and myself on the shoulder and walk away.
... I heard my mom screaming at him for about 3 hours in their bedroom while he made fun of her for being a prude.
That's right ... to this day, my dad thinks that a buddy and I were tag-teaming two girls in my bedroom and he's proud.
I walked in on my dad giving my mum oral I just said 'shit' and my dad said 'GET OUT' I laughed it off, I was going through a bad stage with my parents at this time always bitching to me about something or other, that was like a year ago and they've been great with me ever since. So it wasn't really a bad thing.
My dad came home from work one day and I was jacking it in the living room, just finished and zipped up and thought I’d gotten away with it...I got upstairs and realized I had left a nice surprise downstairs in the form of a tissue. I swooped down SAS style and pocketed the tissue. I still don't know to this day whether or not he actually saw the surprise but he didn't say anything.
The worst one ever though is I came home from a night drinking and had forgotten my key, luckily the front light was on so someone was awake, peeped into the window to tell them to open the door, oh fuck my sister was stroking it on the sofa, awkwardness ensued for many months after that one.
This tuna ain't working, bro, and this gross hot dog needs a one way trip to go live on your uncle's Flavor Farm.
These millennials have no idea how it feels to really work. They would never think about spending all day in the hot sun with their carapace baking and their dung drying out.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.