When I was in High School I was dating this girl who would do anything I asked. So one day I was in my parent’s room and I got the urge to satisfy her orally. She was hesitant because my mom was due home but I assured her that we would hear the elevator and door of the apt with plenty of time if she did come home. As sure enough as I went to town on my moms bed who should somehow enter the house in total silence? MY MOM! She opened the door and man I never saw my girlfriend move so fast. Whoosh! Out the door and into the elevator like a bolt of humiliated lightening. My mom was so freaked out that she could barely tell me not to do that again. The great part was that besides that slight scolding I had no punishment.
I had some friends, a guy and his girlfriend, over and we were just hanging out on the terrace of my apartment. It's a penthouse and we happened to be sitting outside my parent’s room. My dad came home and we said hello to him and he went into his room which we could see into. He came out of the bathroom in a robe and his underwear. He proceeded to lie on the bed and read a magazine. Much to our horror one of his balls was hanging out and was in direct view of the girl. We were all kind of freaked out by the whole scene. Then of course he started to fiddle with it. I went back into the house and said "Hey dad, I'm out here with a friend, and she can see your balls. Please close your robe." He was very embarrassed.
My dad sleeps naked, and it's his fucking house, so he does whatever the hell he wants, which usually includes a night snack, drink, or bathroom run, bareass naked
List of people outside of my family that have seen "night dad"
Her (younger) sister.
3 of my friends (the one that lives across the street isn't even fazed anymore
Doesn't. Give. A. Fuck.
My mom went through my digital camera and found pictures of me taking beer bongs then tea-bagging my passed out friend.
A few weeks ago I was staying at my girlfriend's house, though we were not official when this story takes place. Her mom had been begging both of us to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding with her, because she was hardcore Cuban and really identified with how the Greeks did everything in the movie. So the way we are seated was her mom sat at one end of the couch and at the other me and my girl sat really close to one another. At the start of the movie we were kinda rubbing one another. I was rubbing her legs and stuff, and I knew her mom wouldn't mind/see it anyway.
Then I had the brilliant idea of getting a blanket. So I announce that "Boy am I cold" and I go and get the blanket and spread it out over me and her.
And that's when I started to finger her and she started to rub my dong. With her mom a mere two or three feet away on the same couch. After like fifteen or twenty minutes we both stopped, but not before we were horny like wild dogs.
Anyway, the other day I'm chatting with my gf on AIM and she says to me, "You'll never guess what happened." I ask her what and she goes, "So I was watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding with my mom the other day and as we are watching it, she randomly turns to me and says, 'I know what you and him were doing when we were watching this the other day' and then turns back to watch the rest of the movie."
I have raised over $300 participating in quilting bees for the American Quilting Bee Society so I think I deserve at least seven minutes of your time.
Ernest Cline, writer of Ready Player One, shares his newest poem.
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