There was this girl; we'll call Kristin, who was a smokin' hot punk rock girl. Solid rack, blonde hair, cute glasses, and always in the plaid skirt/thigh highs combo that drives any man wild. We were driving around town one day to visit some friends of hers. I had never met them; I had never even been to that part of town before. We just kinda wound up there. Sure enough, the people that we wanted to see weren't home, but their younger siblings were outside riding bikes. She leads me into this unfinished living room, gets on all fours, and says "What are you waiting for?"
As I'm railing her from behind, the owner of the house comes home and bangs on the door. He screamed "Who are you and what are you doing?" I just said "Uh... just a second *zip* We'll be right out." Yeah, I'm dumb. He just said "Get dressed and get out" so I never had to make eye contact or anything. But... damn. That scared the hell outta me.
My girlfriend’s mother walked in on me and her daughter engaged in vigorous anal sex, which was bad enough, but she was tied to the bed with Christmas decorations. She looked at the pair of us with utter disgust and said "Your mother is on the phone, and get out of there now!” She then went downstairs and said nothing more whilst I was there. When I got home my Mum tore strips off me, and my GF got the same treatment of her mother.
About three years ago I was dating this girl that was a few years younger than me. I was 20 and she was 17. We had known each other in high school and I knew his step-dad was ultra protective. I thought he was going to have it out for me when she and I started dating. Lucky for me she had dated a few real winners just before me, so her parents loved me. The summer after we started dating I was home from college and we were pretty much constantly going at it. It was awesome and I really dug this girl. Pretty much one of the sexiest girls I've ever known. We were both living with our parents, and her parents did walk in on us one time when we were having sex in her living room late at night. We played it cool though and she just slid off and made like we were watching a movie.
The best awkward moment that I ever had happened one weekday that summer. My buddy James had an apartment right across from the high school where my girlfriend went. So some days she would come over after school and we'd hang out at his place. He was out of town for the day so we went over there and we went at it for like 3 hours in every part of the apartment. It was pretty crazy and we got a little rough at points. So anyway...we clean up and straighten the place up and go back over to her house to have dinner with her family.
We're standing around the kitchen and her mom is getting things ready for dinner. Sort of chit-chatting about this and that. So my girlfriend asks me to rub her shoulders for her. So I start rubbing her shoulders and her mom asks her what's wrong. She says, "just a little sore." Her mom looks at me and asks me in a really weird tone, "what did you make her do?" I turned bright red and kinda laughed it off in a nervous tone. Worst ever awkward moment for me. She totally nailed it.
I was going down on my ex-girlfriend in her room, and she was always a loud screamer during any type of sex, so we made sure nobody was ever home. After we were finished I walked out of her room to grab my previously discarded shirt. Her dad was standing right there and says: "Hello Tad. Want a drink?"
This didn't happen to me, but to my friend. She was eating dinner, and one of her guy friends was over, eating with them. They were having hot dogs/sausages. She decides it would be funny if she 'deep throated' the hot dog, to show off or be funny to her friend. Whatever it was, I'm not sure. At that moment both her parents looked up and saw her. As soon as dinner was over, her dad gave her a big lecture on why not to do that and how it's gross and some other shit.
Once, I was rubbing one off in my room. Well, my dad walked in and I quickly leaned forward and put my shirt over my unit. He came in to ask me something, but I forget what it was but he asked me, "why does it smell perfumery in here?" and there was a bottle of lotion sitting right next to me. And I said, "ughh, my hands are dry so I was putting lotion on them, I guess I used too much." And then he walked out. God, I felt awkward.
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I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.