Thanks to forum Goon Quizal for starting up this and next week's Comedy Goldmine, "Awkward Times With Parents."
When I was still in high school I started to see this girl that I had known for a couple years. Her parents didn't know that we where dating which was cool seeing how they didn't question us spending time together in her room seeing how we where old friends. One day while I was over at her place we decided to mess around in her room while her parents where watching a movie. Anyway I go down on her for a while then she pulls me up and wraps her legs around my waist. I hadn't removed my pants at that time and she had gotten pretty wet by that point. Needless to say the pants come off and we go at it. Afterwards we watch the TV in her room and relax a bit so when we go back out of her room it doesn't look like we just had sex. After a while we decide to get dressed and go get something to eat what I didn't realize is there was a big white stain on the front of my slacks. As I was leaving I noticed her parents giving me a strange look but thought nothing of it and proceeded to walk over to the Taco Bell to get some food. It wasn't till I got near my place that I realized that I had the stain on my pants. Two days later her parents told her she shouldn't see me anymore because they didn’t' feel she was ready for a sexual relationship and she took a knife and tried to stab her mom with it. She ended up spending the better part of a year in a Mormon mental hospital for that one.
The only other really odd time I have had with a girl’s parent was at E3. I had dated one of the guys step daughters from Sierra Online. The guy was like Vice President in charge of Production. I decided that seeing how I never met her step father I thought I would mention that I dated his daughter a few years back. He was a pretty nice guy but acted kind of odd when he found out I was her prom date. From talking with the girl since then I found out that she told her mom that she lost her virginity prom night. Clearly that information must have been told to her step dad and that is why he acted odd.
Only other awkward story I have is having to explain why part of my girlfriend’s hearse was stuck to my ass. What happened was we where having sex in the back and the rear view mirror fell off. It was attached by having sticky glue on the back of it and I sat on it while I was getting dressed. Being tired by that point in time I went home and as I was getting ready to take a shower before bed I noticed it. I debated if I should or shouldn't tell her I found it.
You mean other than sitting next to my girlfriends mom at the abortion clinic?
Just earlier today my brother discovered a wonderful site (gush busters if you're really curious) that showcased female orgasms of the squirting variety. He told my mother who was in disbelief that a female could in fact ejaculate.
So we all went into his room as a family and watched a preview video to prove to my mother that it wasn't imaginary. That was quite the awkward situation.
My Mom found condoms in my backpack during senior year of high school. My parents confronted me at dinner like any red-blooded American parents would do and talked to me about it. They were pretty cool about the whole thing, but my Mom left the table to put some laundry up. My Dad then looks at me and says, "Enjoy banging a 17 year old while you can. Good job."
I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. We slept in the same bed together, and while this may not be a big deal to many of you, to the parents in conservative Southeast Missouri, it's a shameful and sinful act that will send you straight to the ninth circle of Hell to chill with Lucifer and Gandhi. Her mom walked in sometime that morning in a rage. Apparently, she was pissed that neither of us had told her I was spending the night. Not once did she seem to care about us being in the same bed half naked. It was all about us not informing her of my staying. It was then I learned that she's a pretty cool mom.
Then there was her prom from this year. Note that I'm 18 and graduated this year. My girl lives an hour and a half away, so we got to enjoy two proms with each other this year. Before leaving to go to her town, my mom and dad decide to give me advice that basically amounted to "use protection." Why they waited until I was pretty much out of their care to give this advice to me was beyond my comprehension, especially considering they have never mentioned anything else remotely sex related other than "close your eyes" when boobies came on during movies. Once again, it wasn't a really big deal, but it was awkward as Hell when you've said a total of 5 sentences a day to your parents for the past three years.
I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.