My senior year, my best friend and I got to be really close. He and I used to ditch school almost every day, hang out after school, so on and so forth.
Near the end of the year, things started getting more serious (friends with benefits stuff). I'd forgotten my lip gloss in his car without knowing (I lose things all the time), and while he was cleaning his car he discovered it and called me one afternoon and asked if he could bring it back to my house. I obliged, and after he got there we hung out a bit. One thing lead to another, and we decided to have sex.
My mom was up in Laguna Nigel that day at some meeting, so I figured there was almost no chance she'd get home in time to catch us. Turns out she got out of the meeting early. We had to stop midway through and go out to dinner, pretending that he'd just come by to get food and say hi. After I was sure she'd left, we walked back to my house. Nope, still there, but thankfully out the door to a doctor's appointment. She saw his truck outside, and told me it was "time for him to go home," giving me that look she always gave me whenever a guy came over, that motherly "I know what you're doing you fucking slut" look. Mothers are wonderful.
As I was saying, she saw his truck, but didn't see him hiding in it, waiting for her to leave. Once she finished taking her sweet ass time leaving again, he came back and we finished up.
Yeah, too bad we ended up taking too long, because she came home right as we were dressing. Now, my Mom wasn't just paranoid about me having guys over, she was a fucking Nazi about it. I was absolutely not allowed to have them over when she wasn't there, and we were not allowed to be alone in a room together, let alone my bedroom. So him being there after she'd told me he had to go home was a death sentence in my house.
I'm not the master of quick thinking, especially when it involves trying to sneak someone out of a house that's impossible to sneak people out of. All of our escape routes involved going past my mom in some way. It just wasn't going to work. So, we waited until she went to change for bed. I rushed him to the door, only to be caught right as he was leaving. What I lack in escape planning I make up for in lying straight-faced to people, and made up a story about him bringing me a hat I'd left in his truck, saying that he'd brought it over right as she was coming home, and I was so scared she'd kill me for him coming over again that I hid him in my room. She bought it, at least, and everything was
Another moment with the same guy, about three months before the above incident: We went out to the mall on a boring Saturday, and after coming back, hung out in my room for awhile and watched "Saving Silverman" on HBO, joking and laughing most of the time. Completely innocent stuff. As I said, my mom goes nuts when I'm alone in my room with a guy, even if she can see what we're doing.
That day was the same that one of my Aunts and her family were coming down to San Diego to visit us. Mom never told me anything, so I had no idea what time they were getting in. She came in after about 15 minutes, telling me he had to leave because we were leaving soon to go get my family from the airport. I oblige, say goodbye, and he goes home.
Fifteen minutes later, I go into the living room and ask when we're going to leave for the airport.
"Oh, in a couple hours. I just wanted Seth (guy) to go home."
I was eating dinner with her parents and another friend, and my allergies were making my nose and eyes runny. Their cat had been walking around prior to dinner. Her mother looks up from her meal and says 'Oh, does pussy affect you?'. There was an awkward silence that lasted for about a minute before we started cracking up.
I was visiting my friend's house, we were watching The Sopranos. After it was on, some show called Family Business was on next. The following is a transcript:
TV: "The following program contains mature situations, sexual content, language, sex, sex, sex, and maybe a bit of humping." Me: "Cool." My friend's dad: "Yeah, it's about this guy, he makes porno flicks." Me: "Huh, really?" Him: "Yeah, Seymore Butts." Me: "Ahhh, okay!" Him: "Yeah... wait, you know who that is?" Me: (attempting to look innocent) "... no?"
...Then I fled upstairs to play Soul Caliber II.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.