Thanksgiving at my grandmothers (she only lives an hr and a half from me so I see her more then my parents) I brought my gf. Whole family was there: aunts, uncles, etc from all over. Well we were all sitting around after dinner just talking and my mother decided to tell me about all the interesting magazines she had found when she cleaned out my old room. Some of it was shit I had never heard of and tried to convince her that they were not mine (it wasn’t originally my room it was my little brothers who had taken my room soon as I left for college) and that it was his. Needless to say I'm sitting there arguing with my mom about not possessing any of these pornographic magazines in front of my whole family.
My mom says "come here, I have a question for you, sit down"
Okay, my mom doesn't do that.
Mom: "Are you having sex?" Me: "Yes" Mom: "Okay, are you at least using condoms?" Me: "Uh yeah of course" Mom: "Is she taking birth control?" Me: "No, her parents would freak out" Mom: "Okay, if you're adult enough to have sex maybe you should move out. I don't like you having sex here." Me: "Okay." Mom: "Are you good?" Me: "Mom?! What the hell..." Mom: "Hey, I just wanted to know..." Me: "I guess so...?" Mom: "How many times have you had sex with her?" ...ok at this point I'm trying to count how many condom boxes I've bought... Mom: "Damn that many times?" Me: "Hold on... okay, about we've used about 125 condoms, so about 125 times." Mom: "Holy shit."
I'm married to that girl now. :) We were only dating for about 7 months, and only sexually active for 5 months. It's about once a day every day for 5 months... Those were the good ole days (although there were some days when we had sex more than once a day...)
Also, before this happened, I brought her home like at midnight or so because we both were horny as hell. My mom got up and went to the bathroom, so I said shit, I gotta get you home. We were already at my car and my mom came outside on the front deck and said "what the hell are you doing?" she said that she needed a computer book for something in the morning and I didn't want to give it to her in the morning. When I came home all of the lights were off again but this time my mom was laying on the couch really pissed off...she wanted to know what was going on. I told her I needed to get her that book for tomorrow, but she didn't believe me. I said "Whatever, don't believe me, I'm going to sleep"
The grossest thing I've seen has been my mom and dad was living in our "den" while her room was being remodeled like the rest of the house. There just happened to be a mirror on the wall and a large bar type thing in the wall there, and she was changing.... I saw her boobies, yuk. I don't think I had sex for a month after that.
Another fun story is when we were living with my parents when I lost my job. They got pissed off that they could hear us having sex so we had to get another apartment. They were so happy when we left :)
Last year I was at work and was chatting with this hot co-worker Lucy. I don't know how the subject came up but she told me that she thought it would be funny to watch midgets having sex. She asked me to see if I could find some midget porn on the internet. This of course, is no problem, downloaded a Bridget the Midget DVD rip from Adult Bouncer. She came over a couple days later to watch it. Now if you've ever seen midget porno, you know it's less arousing than the scat-swapping video, but damn it's funny as hell.
So we're watching it, she's giggling her head off and then my mom comes home from work, she has a tendency to just barge into my room without knocking. I manage to turn off the monitor before she can see what we're watching. She then asks me what I want for supper, gets this weird look on her face and asks us what's going on. I think the direct approach might get her to leave, "watching midget porn, go away." Then she says, "Really? That sounds weird, let me see." She wasn't calling a bluff, she actually wanted to see the midget porn. I turn it back on, she watches for about 15 seconds and then leaves saying "that’s messed up"
Do all women have some weird fascination with wanting to see midgets have sex?
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.